The Judi Awards
Amanpreet
September 23, 1998

It's just one of those days . . .

There must be something in the air. I bet I've received more requests from folks to unsub today than I have in the entire last week combined. I just delete 'em. I don't know how much clearer I could write out the instructions -- so I don't even bother now. I do an occasional "can't you read?" response, but for the most part, I just let Eudora filter 'em right to the trash bin.

I got a letter from my new buddy Amanpreet. He was about number 42 bazillion today that couldn't understand the unsub instructions. After a couple of exchanges, I'm proud to announce the latest winner of The Judi Award.

This is another flame, in the grand tradition of Judi. It's a LOOOONG one, so set it aside for when you can read it all. I'll get back to the regular jokes tomorrow.

Enjoy!

Amanpreet:
Please remove me from your mailing list as I no longer wish to be a subscriber of Joke-a-Day. Thank you.

Ray:
Yeah? So?

Amanpreet:
I do not appreciate such a response from a polite and courteous request. Moreover, I am appalled at the ill-mannered reply which was neither called for or necessary. Once again, may I urge you to remove my email address from your mailing list, since unwarranted mail constitutes not only an infringement of ones privacy but harrassment. I hope, therefore, you will regard this matter with greater importance and urgency this time. Thank you.

Ray:
I don't care what you do and don't appreciate. I do not appreciate people wasting my time which is *exactly* what you are doing.

Let's get some facts on the record, shall we?

*YOU* signed up for the listing.

*YOU* received instructions on how to get off the list.

*YOU* receive instructions with EVERY mailing (including this one that you're way too dense to figure out) how to remove yourself from this listing.

*THIS* is NOT unsolicited (not unwarranted -- learn how to speak English) mail. *YOU* signed up for the listing. *YOU* are the one who is going to be responsible for unsubscribing yourself.

Do *NOT* insult my intelligence by saying that you did NOT sign up for the listing. To be on the listing requires that you CONFIRM the membership request. It's why we do it this way -- to short circuit that argument AND to make sure that only the people who requested membership be on the list.

The *ONLY* possible way around that is if someone is using YOUR email address. That becomes *your* problem -- not mine.

Amanpreet:
I wouldnt dream of attempting to insult your so called intelligence, since that would constitute a futile task in itself not to mention a wasteful consumption of worthwhile time, contrary to the idle time your feeble excuse for a job allows for.

Your ill mannered responses convey unprofessionalism to its very core, and are a portrayal of your unnerving, unsightly, and rather disturbed personality which inhibits your ability to function and co-operate alongside others without displaying unnecessary hostility and repugnance. No doubt, your psychiatrist would have mentioned words to that effect during your therapy. Presumably your salvation is to exagerrate the number of subscribers in the hope of impressing and enticing others. Much like when you envisaged non-existant friends during your, obviously disturbed, childhood.

Furthermore, not to impune the fabulous calibre of the jokes in circulation, but I feel someone ought to inform you that they're complete shit, and evidently only those interested in remaining loyal subscribers would be talentless, not to mention obese persons like yourself. Perhaps you ought to have listened to your school teacher who, from my recollection, ridiculed you from an early age for wanting to become a comic. No doubt, you certainly are a joke, but thats as humourous as you'll ever be, except for your appearance of course.

I trust this will be our last encounter.

Ray
Oooooo. I like you. :)

It's always gratifying to find out one of my subscribers has scrimped and saved enough to purchase a thesaurus. (By the way, what's another word for "thesaurus"? Oh, wait, you probably won't get the joke there. Hmmm. It's from Steven Wright. He comes up with some good one liners. Like, "I had some instant water, but didn't know what to add to it.")

I checked with the office of Internet Protocol concerning my unprofessional manner. They recommended that I tell you to stick your head in your ass and do what President Clinton says he didn't: inhale. I told 'em that their suggestion, tho helpful, didn't sound all that professional. Since I had a subscriber who was complaining that I lacked professionalism perhaps we should try a different approach. They suggested that *I* stick *my* head up *my* ass . . . oh well. Must be something going around.

So I called my psychiatrist. I told him that I simply didn't understand why I have this improper rage at people who couldn't follow simple unsubscribe instructions. I told him that I lay it all out in clear language and very simple instructions and that I thought if people had enough sense to JOIN the list, they would possess the necessary skills to get themselves OFF the list. He made me sit next to my imaginary friends on the couch and bitched at me for cancelling the HTML version and the Kids' Joke A Day. Then charged me $75 for the session. He did suggest that I tell you to "eat shit and die", but that didn't sound like what you requested, either. It sounded rather sophmoric -- not to malign my readers who *are* sophmores.

What to do, what to do. I talked to all of my loyal (but obese and talentless) subscribers. They wanted me to point out that "impugn" was spelled i-m-p-u-g-n and not i-m-p-u-n-e. I told 'em that was rather petty, don't you think? They suggested that I have you castrated, but I allowed the fact that it was obvious you *had* no 'nads.

So they huddled together. They gazed at pictures of Hunks and Babes, drank great amounts of beer, agreed that *I* was completely worthless sexually (based on your imput) and came to the decision that *you* are the master and should be loved and admired above all others. *Even* with a name like "Amanpreet" (which means "Lizard Pecker" in several languages).

And that'll happen just as soon as *you* figure out the unsubscribe instructions.