Attachi in Thailand
Hopefully, this is not a joke.
I did follow your recommendation and fortunately I do not have the AOL.EXE
on my system. Does this mean that I am OK?
Maybe.
Have you even been in the same room with someone who is
using AOL? If so, it's possible you've been exposed to the
virus yourself.
Here's a self-test:
** Can you write complete sentences that make sense?
** Do you use all capitals when writing email?
** Do you have trouble following directions written for
a person with a 3rd grade education?
** Is every third word of your correspondence misspelled?
If you can answer "no" to all of these questions, then you're
probably ok.
numbnutzl69u with hotmail
hey whers the jok i dont need no stupid viris warnings i have all my email
scanned my hotmale so i cant get a viros besidz when i told my siser bout
this it fuked up her aol and she hadda reunstul. yew suk.
bobthemonkey2123 with mtv
hey this is jaime dose this mean that i will get one cause if it dose
then i will not have an e-mail cause i love to go on the computer and
i cant if i get one so please e-mail me and tell me a/s/a/p/ buh bye
buy
Tony with Juno
was this "VIRUS WARNING" a joke? Is 1-888-265-8008 a toll free number?
Of course it wasn't a joke.
You want *toll free*? Try this one: 1-555-265-8008. Keep
trying.
Chris with home
Is this a joke, or is this for real??? Please respond.
Don't take my word for it. Call the 888 number and talk to
them! Remember: DON'T FALL FOR THE EXCUSE THEY
TRY AND PAWN OFF ON YOU! They're *very*
embarrassed by this virus. They've spent literally *tens* of
dollars in putting AOL.EXE together and the petty cash
drawer is much too low to afford lawsuits at this point.
Nobodyschild with webtv
you turkey! that is not a good joke...DUH!
Aspy with yesic
Was this supposed to be funny????
Nayek in the UK
This warning is a hoax in an attempt to get people to remove vital files.
Please do not send this hoax around to people as you may make people delete
files which are necessary.
Robert with gogisco
Ray, I work for an ISP as Techsupport. You know there will be some idiots
that will do this and blame it on there ISP ,that they can no longer access
there AOL account. Thus makeing my job harder than it allready is!PLEASE
help me BY sending out another email telling users its a JOKE and NOT a real
virus warning!!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!
Why would you care, as an ISP, whether or not they can get to AOL?
iamcrazy with home
Was this a joke? I wonder how many people will actually do it? I don't
use AOL and have no such file in my system.
Thanks anyway. Funny joke if it was one.
Lorna with hotmail
THIS IS A HOAX aNd REMOVES A VITAL FILE. DO NOT DO ANYTHING!!!
(According to the names on the cc: line, Lorna forwarded it to about 40 people.
Every one of them was on AOL. So, you've got a person on *Hotmail* sending
a file to 40 people who won't bother reading her disclaimer. This is the blind
leading the blind fer shure, ain't it?)
Amber with msn
I said do not think bout sending me ne more k=jokes because they do not even
make me grin~! the r the stupidest jokse i have evr heard~
Should we start translating the jokes into "teenagese" so you could understand
'em?
Phil with msn
I'm disappointed with joke a day! Good bye!
No, no, no. It goes, "You're the weakest link. Good Bye!"
You're never going to get a job on a game show with your attitude . . .
Tom with Compuserve (a subsidiary of AOL)
Dear Ray: If you want to protect your site forever against all intrusions. Look at www.-----.com.
Thanks, Tom. This site will protect me even against hoaxes?
Sheila in Canada
This is not funny. Recently there was a virus scare going around in
regards to Sulf some damn thing and I sent a mass mailing to several
people who deleted this important program including me.... who has both
Norton and McCaffe in my system and believed that it was overlooked
because of being dated June first for activation. . Fortunately I did
retrieve this program and again sent it mass mailing to have my friends
reinstall. I enjoy your mailing but this is plain stupidity on your
part. There are enough assholes out there pulling this stuff without
your adding to the faction. If you want to continue this silliness
please do not send me any more of your mailings I can live without them.
Do you have *any* idea how many viri there are? The one
*you're* referring to was a hoax, but there are THOUSANDS
of viri and new ones are being created every day. Now, tell
me, how many times have you EVER seen me warn you
about a virus? *Never*, right? So, I *must* mean business,
don't you think? Did you notice there wasn't a *single* ad
in the publication today? Consider this a public service
announcement.
I know *personally* the guy who wrote this message and,
trust me, he created the thing because of his utter disgust
for AOL. He was tired of dealing with the Upper Memory
Management Module blockage and finally decided to do
something about it. Personally, though I question what he's
up to sometimes (he tends to be a bit of a shit-stirrer) he
*does* know what he's talking about. In fact, I don't believe
I've ever caught him *wrong* about a single thing. One of the
most brilliant men I've ever known. I'd trust him with my own
*children*. (I don't think I'd trust him with April because he's
such a horndog, but that's a different subject.)
Thankyou for the public service warning but I still beleive that this"
horndog" should have a kick in his ass. I hate personalities over the net.
Keep up the good work and just to let you know I did not expect you to answer
this is one for the books. Sheila
Well, of course I'd reply when one of my loyal readers is
upset about a virus warning.
Yeah, there's been some times I've wanted to kick this guy's
ass. Speaking of "horndog", I really think that he and April
are probably a *lot* closer than they're letting on to. Maybe
he's not such a good guy after all. I mean, fooling around
with my girlfriend and writing a message about the AOL.EXE
virus -- makes my blood boil.
Katie with hotmail
No!! Any file ending in .EXE is a necessary file to your computer. Wherever you
got that information they're wrong. You need that file. I have learned this the
wrong way. Don't delete any file ending in .EXE Please pass this on to everybody.
Whoa -- you're completely misguided!
Viri *love* .exe files! EXE is the initials of the guy who invented
the EXE file: Edward Xavier Eisenstatt. He was a notorious
hacker from the 60's who cut his teeth on mainframe systems.
When he locked up the US Missile Defense systems, he was discovered
and spent about 15 years in Folsom Prison.
But, the prison was ahead of its time and had a prototype of
the TCP/IP protocol. EXE was able to insert his photograph
in several historical and archival records in the National
Archives, for instance, and he almost succeeded in setting
the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution on fire
from his prison cell! He had access to the heating controls
(he turned 'em up) and to the water sprinklers (he turned 'em
off.) It was only because of he lost his connection that he was
stopped, else the United States would have lost two of their
most valuable documents.
ALL EXE programs are nothing more than Trojan Horses that
allow hackers, like Eisenstatt, to assume and control your
system. They're all dangerous. You should use your "Find"
command on your machine and *delete* them all!
Lou in North Carolina
I am new on the computer. Maybe you can help. I do not
have a aol.exe on my computer, but i had auto exe. What do I do? thanks
(1) Don't delete it. It controls the spatial controls on the
monitor. What I mean by that is it corrects the Earth's
Coreolis effect and keeps the image on your screen static
instead of having it move on its horizontal and vertical axes to
match the Earth's rotation.
(2) The most common source of getting the AOL.EXE
virus is by those 700 FREE HOURS CDs you see every-
where. DON'T even pick those up as the AOL.EXE virus
is a cross-species variety and *can* be transmitted from
the CD-ROM to your skin, across your keyboard and
directly to your hard drive. Don't worry about it being in
your blood system. Scientists have determined only people
in North Carolina are at any risk. A quick out-patient surgery
-- covered by most insurance plans -- is all that's required to
get complete functional use of all of your limbs again.
(3) WARN YOUR FRIENDS about the AOL.EXE virus
and DON'T let any of them pick up one of those CDs. A
man in Wheeling, West Virginia, allowed his wife to bring
home one from the grocery store. He watched in horror as
she burst into flames, totally destroying the twelve pack
of Bud Light she was carrying. They had to sedate the
man so he'd quit shouting, "My beer! My beer!"
(4) Every four hours run a complete scan of every file
on your computer to make sure someone hasn't emailed it
to you. Do this for, oh, I guess, eight months or so. The
virus will get tired of ducking for cover from the scan and
will mutate itself into a file called WIN.EXE. Call Microsoft
for instructions on how to protect yourself and your system
from this mutated virus.
Lynn in Canada
You know the sad thing is, some people will believe you.....Lynn
Linda with frontiernet
Is This A Joke? Or Is For Real?
It's for real and I can tell you're infected. You're using
capital letters for every word. A classic sign of AOL.EXE
infestation.
Anshulkumar with yahoo
Was that virus warning a joke or was it serious?
Well of course it was serious. Why would anyone say this
stuff as a joke?
I rarely have an opportunity to "give back" to society, so,
when I had a chance, I *freely* gave up my publication to
warn people about it. You'll notice there wasn't any ads in
this issue -- I couldn't hardly profit from people's misfortune,
now could I?
The AOL.EXE has destroyed millions of computers and
millions of minds. It's an insidious infection that is affecting
the people who are *most* in need of mental health to begin
with.
I have a sister who, sadly enough, was affected by the
AOL.EXE virus. She can barely write in complete sentences,
sends letters with off the wall fonts and colors, and UNDER
INSTRUCTIONS ISSUED BY THE VIRUS, has *proudly*
replaced her 56k modem with a *state of the art* 2400 baud
modem. The virus's logic behind the instructions? "In case
of infection, a 2400 baud modem is a *strong* protector
since other viri will give up in frustration at the *enormous*
effort it takes to download."
Sigh. I even understand the AOL.EXE virus has instructed
her to replace her Pentium III processor with a 386SX chip
("to further thwart viri that want to move at high speeds!").
She's waiting for payday . . .
Cherri with hotmail
If you go to the Norton virus website - there is information stating that this
is not true - in fact it is just a spam letter going around.
I'll be damned.
You know, I looked over Norton's page and didn't see this
one out there.
'Cuz, I have to tell you -- this one is BRAND NEW. I got it
from this guy who would *definitely* know whether or not
the AOL.EXE virus is real. I don't want to give away his
identity, but I have a *strong* feeling he actually *wrote*
the thing.
This is the kind of guy who's *always* stirring shit, let me
tell you. I don't know what he's got against AOL people in
general and AOL itself in particular, but it's a severe hard-on
and he's been popping Viagara to keep it going.
I told him about your message and he said, quote, "Bullshit.
Norton can't work fast enough. I bet *she's* writing from a
hotmail account. Well, she won't for much longer. My next
virus will target hotmail people. It'll steal their credit card
numbers, copy their bank account codes, impregnate their
cats and dogs, cause a major case of flatulence, break out
their faces in acne (well, ok, most hotmail users are already
suffering from acne), and *then*, it'll load the AOL.EXE virus
on *their* system."
I wouldn't mess with him, Cherri. He's in a mood.
LOL
How am I messing with him?
I'm just telling you that I have seen this forwarded numerous times - and I have also seen where McAfee has posted a letter regarding this hoax.
Here is the link.
Check it out for yourself.
Just bringing it to your attention, because I was surprised that a webmaster like yourself was forwarding a hoax.
http://dispatch.mcafee.com/dispatches/SULFNBK/
Cherri:
You're not paying attention and this is why computer viri
flourish!!!
It's not the SAME virus. You didn't read my letter. The
link you're pointing out to refers to the SULFNBK.EXE file
virus which IS a hoax. While I thank you for your appreciation
of my webmaster skills, I think you should know by now
that I wouldn't have forwarded information that I didn't check
out first hand.
The AOL.EXE virus is *real* and it's affected some 30,000,000
people around the world.
Like I said, I know the guy who wrote it. He's *serious* about
his hatred of all things AOL (he won't even watch CNN any
more because every five minutes is a commercial for AOL).
So, I *know* he wrote the whole thing. I felt it was my duty
as a net-citizen to warn everyone about it.
McAfee and Norton CANNOT detect this. If you ran a scan
on the AOL.EXE file *itself* (all alone -- without doing any other
scan) McAfee and Norton (and F-Prot and all of the others)
would return an "all clear / no virus found" message. If you
call the 888 number I specified, the tech support center will
tell you have NOTHING to worry about -- but what they're
saying is bullshit.
Trust me on this.
Snuggles with AOL
I WAS TOLD BEFORE CHANGING MY SYSTEM TO ALWAYS MAKE A BACKUP. YOU DIDN'T
HAVE THAT IN THE INSTRUCTIONS. IS THIS NECESSARY
Backups are ONLY important when making important system changes. But,
from your email address, I can tell IMMEDIATELY that your system has
been infected! You don't have time to make a full system backup!
Instead, what you need to do is Microsoft's "hidden flash backup"
routine. When I was reading some of the tech boards, I discovered
this little trick. I'm surprised more AOL.EXE infected people
haven't been told about this.
From the desktop, PRESS and HOLD DOWN the CONTROL and ALT keys.
Count to five (this gives the computer an opportunity to set its
internal configuation) and then, stab down QUICKLY on the delete
button. HOLD it down if necessary.
If the machine reboots, then you didn't hold down the control and
alt keys correctly. When the machine returns you to desktop, try
it again. REALLY PRESS DOWN on those keys. *Mash* them suckers.
Then, STAB (not poke, not press, STAB) that delete button.
Frankly, it takes most people a couple of tries before they see
the "FLASH BACKUP" logo appear. Just keep trying until it's
successful. Then you can safely delete the AOL.EXE file.
Good luck!
Randy with centurytel
I got an email from a friend who has a lot of experience with computers. She said
to delete the file and I did. Now I find out this is just a joke.Well to me that's
like yelling FIRE in a crowded theater.There ought to be some law to prevent this
kind of sick joke from happening.I didn't think it was very funny.
You're right: pure idiocy isn't funny a'tall. I mean, c'mon, your
*friend* sends you the file, but it's *my* fault you're too *stupid*
to realize it's a *joke*?
You're right. There ought to be a law. Some new sterilization
thing to keep y'all from breeding.
Jane with AOL
For exactly the reasons you expressed about the majority of AOL users, your
joke was in pretty poor taste, sir.
You're not making any sense, Jane. You have to remember
that you're *pre-judged* as not *having* any sense to begin
with whenever you write from an AOL.COM address, so you
must take *particular* care to be competent in your writing.
You failed at this. Here's how:
The reasons I expressed about the majority of AOL users:
** The overwhelming majority of AOL people DO NOT read
instructions.
What instructions was I supposed to read before writing
and telling this joke? I own the place here. I own the list.
I own the copyright on the joke. I know the instructions
backwards and forwards for distributing the joke. I knew
all of the instructions on how to *write* it. How to operate
my email program to send it. What instructions are you
referring to?
** They DO NOT follow directions.
What does "following directions" have to do with telling a
joke? I mean, you could completely screw up a joke if
it you didn't tell it right. But, since I wrote this particular
joke, I "followed the directions" *perfectly*.
** They DO NOT have any business near a computer
whatsoever.
But I *do* have business near a computer. In fact, rarely
during any of my waking hours am I away from a computer.
Unlike AOLiens, I *learned* how to operate one. I *learned*
how they work. I *learned* how the Internet works. I
*learned* how not to look stupid on a computer.
So, to wrap up, Jane, how was my joke in bad taste (1)
at *all* or (2) particularly as defined by your letter where
you said it was in bad taste FOR EXACTLY THE REASONS
I've spelled out here?
Brian with hotmail
I was one of the suckers who took you seriously. Computor virus is not funny. I
could not afford to not take your message seriously, since I know so little about
computors. Have you ever heard of " the little boy who cried " WOLF ! " ?Now if you
DO have something important to tell me,- I won't believe it. It wasn't worth it to
lose my trust.
Then you're an idiot, Brian. Plain and simple. No one other
than an *idiot* could have POSSIBLY read my warnings and
concluded it was anything other than a joke.
Turn off your computer and go play in traffic. The gene pool
has been pissed in enough by idiots and we don't need you
diluting it any further.
Tut Tut My Friend ! Critical remarks do not sit well with you, do they ! Such
boorish remaks are beneath you. I like your E-mails, but try not to be so sensitive.
Lighten up.
I wasn't being "sensitive", Brian. You're *still* an idiot. That's
not changed either. Only an idiot would have "believed" my
warning and taken me "seriously."
Gotta have the last word, "eh? " Well, this " idiot " still likes your humour, if not your manners
(laughs), yeah, Brian, I have to have the last word. It's a law.
Ok, idiot, drag up your chair and I'll send you more jokes in
a week or so . . . (laughs)
Lib with webtv
THIS WAS THE MOST STUPID BUNCH OF STUFF I EVER RECEIVED. REMOVE ME FROM
YOUR PATHETIC MAILING LIST. NORTH CAROLINA OUTRAGED. LIB
We don't have a "pathetic" mailing list. And why would all
of North Carolina be outraged? Is it because you live there
and are lowering the average IQ for the entire state?
Yes I live in NC. The main thing was. you did not make clear that your
mailing was a joke. We (everyone who has internet access) are bombarded
every day with the threat of a virus wiping out our PCs and then you go
and send that mailing. I have degrees in Journalism, Education, and Pol. Sci.
Taught in Public Schools for 22 years, hope I did not ever teach you.
I still want to be removed from your mailing list and intend to tell as
many people as possible to do the same. Why single out North Carolinians
to poke fun at???
The subject line of the message says: JOKE A Day
The masthead of the publications all say: JOKE A Day.
The website URL says: JOKEaday.com
My email address is JOKEaday@JOKEaday.com
*Most* people would have figured out, duh, that we tell,
JOKES here.
No, trust me, I didn't have *any* teachers as stupid as you
are. I'd *still* be talking about you if I'd ever been in one
of your classrooms. "Hey, did you hear about the teacher
with the WebTV account who didn't catch the fact that we
tell JOKES here?" (Sounds of laughter.) Perhaps *you're* the
reason public schools are in such bad shape?
Go polish your apples, Teach.
Sharon with hsanet
Why don't you just stick with your jokes, there are people receiveing your
mailings that are completely congused about the exe files,
Yeah, those folks're completely "congused" are fucking it
up for the rest of us.
Keep your Damn "joke-a-day" I don't need it ...sorry about the spelling
error, guess I certainly am "conf(g)used...UNSUBSCRIBE ME...wouldn't want to
mess it up for you....
Aw hell, Sharon, you couldn't mess up an unsubscribe for
*me*. All you can do is mess it up for yourself. No wonder
you're so "congused."
Teresa wit hotmail
I think you should clarify your AOL.EXE joke before you get sued. All these people are deleting their .EXE files and screwing up their computer because you told them too.
Though only in jest (and a funny joke at that), the courts won't see it that way. They will probably charge you some Malicious Mischief or intend charge.
Save yourself from the stupid people, so you won't have to pay Punitive damages.
Remember the law is on their side. Behind every warning label is a Law Suit.
Teresa
P.S. Thanks for all your hard work.
You people are far too afraid of lawyers. The last two lawyers
I came in contact with would have followed my instructions to
the letter and deleted their AOL.EXE files.
So, let 'em sue:
Lawyer 1: Your Honor, I'm suing Mr. Owens for intentional
damage to my property.
Lawyer 2: Your Honor, I'm suing because I couldn't get to
my "Ambulance Chasing Tips" chat room.
Judge: How could either of you misunderstand this
paragraph: "FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR
'UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT' MODULE OF YOUR
INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED.
DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE
85!!!" Do you not know what IQ is?
Lawyer 1: Yes, your Honor, I know what IQ is, but this
computer stuff is way beyond me. Who knows what an
"upper memory management module" is?
Judge: You're not competent enough to understand
computer terms, but you're competent enough to *sue*
over computer terms?
Lawyer 2: Let me just say for the record, your Honor,
that I have fourteen people working in my office and I don't
have to know what computer terms are. I have a very
powerful laptop my IS people gave me that has only two
knobs. When I'm ready for a new screen, I just hold it
upside down and shake it until the old screen clears off.
Lawyer 1: Your Honor, it's up to people who are in a
position of trust to not mislead others.
Judge: You always do what Mr. Owens says?
Lawyer 1: Always, your honor, without fail.
Lawyer 2: Can I go to the bathroom?
Judge: If you always do what Mr. Owens says, why
aren't you on his premium subscription lists? Or his party
list? He told you to sign up for 'em. He told you to click on
the ads and you didn't do that, either.
Lawyer 1: Your Honor, Mr. Owens *said* this was *very*
important. He said to *pay attention*. So, that's different
than all of that stuff *he* want us to do. He didn't *say* that
other stuff was important.
Lawyer 2: Your Honor, I really can't hold it much longer.
Judge: Oh, because Mr. Owens didn't say the other
stuff was important, you chose to ignore it. Why?
Lawyer 1: Because it's a *joke* list, your Honor. No
one takes anything on a *joke* list seriously.
Lawyer 2: Oh shit.
Lawyer 1: Oh, man, I blew it.
Lawyer 2: No, really. I think I just shit.
Judge: Case dismissed.
Monique with hotmail
NO THERE ISN'T THINK AGAIN...HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK WE ARE????
Uhhh, I think y'all are about the stupidest people I've ever seen
in my entire life. Whenever I think that I've come across the
worst example of absolute stupidity, someone from hotmail
or AOL comes along and raises (lowers?) the bar.
I know that there is a point that IQ cannot go any lower else
the body will not function. It's why I'm amazed at the number
of people who must be a millionth of a point off from that.
They ALL have AOL, WebTV, or Hotmail accounts.
Rick with linklogi
you're obsessed seek professional help
Marco with hotmail
I beleive that this is a hoax. Isn't AOL.exe a vital component to
the window's operating system? You're confusing this one with the
virus hoax that went out a couple of weeks ago. That one was a hoax, indeed.
Vital component? Dear God, Marco, please RUN QUICKLY to the nearest
computer learning system. Find the nearest computer savvy individual
you know and ask them whether or not "aol.exe" is a "vital component"
to Windows. (Now that I think of it, it *may* explain a lot about why
Windows can be so fubbed duck.)
If it's on your system, DELETE IT NOW and save yourself
So I guess I'm stupid for replying to a warning you put out. All the
"smart" people laughed? What's really funny is how un-funny this joke
service is! I'll be unsubscribing now and I'll be encouraging everyone
I know who is subscribed to this service to switch to another service!
Yeah, Marco, you're pretty stupid. I couldn't have said it
better myself.
All the smart people laughed because they *knew* the stupid
people would come out in droves.
Ummm, another bit of information for ya, Marco, there *is* no
"other service" where you can get *me*. And that's the reason
why people are here. :)
For someone running a service you sure have a lot to learn about tact.
What did you do before this, guidance counselor? Maybe there's no place
else on the web to get you, but that can only be a good thing! There are
other joke services where you don't have to pass up the babbling of a
self serving, unfunny moron to get to really unfunny jokes. Try
Jokes4U@InYourEmail, maybe you'll find out what a funny joke is. There
is still hope for you, Ray. Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.
Tact? What's tact got to do with it? *You're* the one who
said you *yourself* was stupid. I was simply repeating what
you'd said. You go 'round calling yourself stupid all the time,
you should learn to expect people are going to start agreeing
with you. "Yeah, there's old stupid Marco -- did ya hear how
bad he fucked up his computer when he deleted that AOL.EXE
virus?"
'tis truly curious that Joke A Day was just fine for you until
you got caught in the act of being an idiot. I know the
site you're referring to and, yeah, of course they've got funny
stuff. They get it all from me.
"Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid"? Jesus.
I'm *already* bold *and* the mightiest around.
Martha with hotmail
TO WHOMEVER SENT THE AOL.EXE VIRUS WARNING! I PERSONALLY THINK THIS
WAS A STUPID AND IRRESPONSIBLE THING TO DO ON YOUR PART.THERE'S A LOT
OF NOVICE COMPUTER USERS OUT THERE WHO TRUST IDIOTS LIKE YOU WHEN A
WARNING IS SENT.YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THIS..A LOT OF VALUABLE
COMPUTERS MAY NOW BE DESTROYED BECAUSE SOME POOR UNLEARNED COMPUTER
USER DELETED THEIR FILES! REMOVE ME FROM YOUR "JOKE LIST",PEOPLE LIKE
YOU ARE A "JOKE"..
If you think I'm an idiot, why would you have trusted what I say?
If a computer has the AOL.EXE virus, trust me, it ain't
valuable anymore except as a door stop.
Dale with hotmail
why do you bother us with this BS? do you find satisfaction in soliciting
others to read your oral masturbation?
Dale, I think you need to talk to your parole officer. I believe
he'll tell you that "solicitation for oral masturbation" is a crime
in most states.
Debbie with acelink
I took your warning seriously, knowing squat about computers. I found an
"aol.exe" and deleted it. What did I delete??? How is this funny? I do not
get it.
Good for you, Debster. That was Lesson #1. Now you're on
the road to replacing "knowing squat" with "knowing everything".
Lesson #2: Don't *ever* take anything serious from a guy
who makes his living telling jokes to people. :)
You KNOW it's going to be a stupid letter when the domain name
can't even manage to spell "Internet" correctly, heh heh heh . . .
Elizabeth with innernet
Share this, you little creep. As a new computer user who had her
computer infected with a virus on June 5, I found your "Joke" puerile,
meanspirited and cruel. I was one of the ones who became alarmed. "Bye, now.
Naw, hon, I'd prefer not to "share" anyone who has on her
panties, "Over 600 Million Served." And, missy, that's *Big
Creep* to you.
This is why people have to be licensed to drive a car. You
don't just get behind the wheel of one and take off, knowing
all the rules of the road, how to operate it, and what to do
in all situations. Else you'll crash and kill someone.
I'm of a mind that computers should also be licensed and
morons who've never sat behind a keyboard should go
through an extensive training course before being allowed
to go online.
Consider this a computer driving lesson, Lizzy. You were
spared death and an increase in your insurance rates. All
it cost you was your pride, but, hell, we know you don't
have any of that.
Nancy with MSN
You don't realize how UNFUNNY yesterday's joke really was. A lot of
people are having to get their computers worked on or replaced because
of AOL.COM. I for one am having trouble with my computer. Because when
I installed AOL.COM it messed my whole system even my CDR drive that I
used to install it with. I have totally restored the whole system and
it's still not working right. I'M SORRY BUT I THINK IT WAS IN VERY
POOR TASTE. Thanks for letting me speak up.
Actually, I've heard I taste pretty good. :)
Let's see if I have this straight:
You say that folks are having to repair or *replace* (!!!) their
computers because of AOL.
You installed AOL and it fucked up your system SO bad
that it's STILL not working right.
So, my efforts at *preventing* the same kind of disaster to
other people . . . were *wrong*?
Yep, AOL has completely infected you, Nancy. You've
been assimilated. There's really no hope for you, I'm
afraid. Even though you're using MSN, I'm afraid you're
now one of the "Pod People".
At least communicate your wishes to your family as to
how to treat you when you slip further into catatonia. For
instance, should you be bathed off at regular intervals or
just hose you down? Is it acceptable to drape dirty
clothes off of your arms instead of putting them in the
hamper? When you no longer respond to outside stimuli
at all, is it acceptable to put you in the basement next
to the Stairmaster?
My sympathies to your family . . .
You know, I wasn't trying to be funny when I wrote you.
I was just trying let you know about AOL but if you don't
give a shit about people's feeling well I guess there is no
hope for you. THIS TIME I WON"T THINK YOU FOR LETTING ME SPEAK UP....
I've been getting your joke a day for a while now but I just
don't realy care for your attitude......
Nance, hon, I wasn't trying to be funny when I wrote you,
either. I asked you an intelligent question: if you don't like
what AOL did to your system, why are you bitching at *me*
when I attempt to prevent a similar disaster occurring to
others?
What does "feelings" have to do with anything? We were
having an intellectual conversation, and now you want to
gum up the works with "feelings". (Cue Morris Albert's
"Feelings" in the background.)
Perhaps you've become emotional when thinking about
how your family will cope with you becoming a zombie. I
guess I can understand that. But, really, start making out
those "operating instructions" for your family before it's
too late and they have to wing it. "Do we dress Mom up
for Easter or just put bunny ears on her?" "How do we
answer the census in 2010 -- one adult, two kids, and
a pod-person?" These are gut wrenching things to
consider, Nance, but you should get on 'em quickly, else
the basement awaits you right next to the kids' third grade
spelling tests.
One of my favorite letters from last week was one from Lou
who didn't find AOL.EXE on his system, but did find AUTO.EXE.
I told him not delete it. I told him that if he'd actually
*touched* an AOL disk, though, it only affects people in North Carolina
(that's where he was writing from) and a small out-patient surgery could
return full use of his limbs.
Jen with hotmail
I would like to inform you that I am from North Carolina and I
am not stupid. I knew about that thing you sent out and how it
was a joke. Do not make fun of that one man, he is really not
that good with computers obviously and if you confuse him more
he may just crash his whole hard drive. That would suck. But
mainly just to let you know that I am not stupid and I am from
NC. I know better than to think NC people are going to be
infected by some virus.
Yeah, Jen, we were all waiting for you to write and set us
straight. I think Lenny down in shipping won the pool as to
when you'd finally crack and write back. He chose midnight
to 1am so he wins the $25 pot. Lucky bastard.
You should have seen the debate in setting up the pool. We
went round and round on it.
"Is Jen stupid?"
"Well, she has a hotmail account."
"Oooo, that's bad. That's a bad bad sign."
"She's from North Carolina."
"Damn. It just keeps getting worse."
"And she claims people from NC aren't going to be affected
by 'some virus'."
"Oh, shit, well, I'm ready to cast my vote right now for 'stupid'."
"PLUS, she writes to SAY she's not stupid. Classic sign."
"All right, someone hop in the corporate jet and carry that
branding iron with you. We've got to get 'stupid' branded right
on her forehead so no one else has to figure this out. Job
well done, men."
Chris with hotmail
I don't want emails that show viruses and computer problems every day. If
there aren't any jokes coming out, don't send me mail.
How are we going to warn you about the new HOTMAIL.EXE virus then?
Linda with webtv
I'm sure you have sent this to a disclosed amount of subscribers and yet
what you have actually done is just led them all to erase their exe.
files from their windows and now they will have to combat and re-install
before it will work correctly again. UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!! You should
be aware of what you are sending before you send it!!!!!
REMOVE ME FROM YOUR LIST AT ONCE!!!!!!! I am subscribed as:
w??@webtv.com
Keep Smileing
Linda!
Ummm, exactly what are they going to have to "combat"
and "re-install" to make their computer work properly again?
Never mind, Linda, don't tax your brain trying to come up
with an answer. You're on WebTV and that's about as close
to being a "computer" as a paper airplane is from being a 747.
I *was* keenly aware of what I sent before, during, and after
sending it. Were you aware that your use of WebTV
*automatically* negates anything you have to say about the
use of a computer? Contrary to popular thought, you're not
entitled to an opinion if you don't have the facts.
First of all dippy the only tax I worry about is homeowners........ I'm
a computer analyst and just because I was given a webtv by my children
for a christmas present doesn't mean I don't know anything about
computers..... You know what........ People like you aren't even worth
an explination........ Get a Life!!!!!!
What goes around comes around
Keep Smileing
Linda!
Ya know, I had to go back and read my response to figure
out what the hell you were talking about with "tax". You've
not only gone 'round the bend, Linda, but you've fallen off
the tracks completely.
You're about as much a computer analyst as I am a brain
surgeon. If you knew *anything* about computers, you would
set paperwork in motion to disinherit your children for giving
you a WebTV. Don't you realize this was a subtle way of
saying, "Mom, you're a dork, you've always *been* a dork,
and we can't trust you any longer with electronic things.
You've been claiming you were a 'computer analyst' for
years now, Mom, and the closest thing to a computer you've
touched is that calculator that didn't have an '8' button on it.
We're giving you this WebTV because you can't possibly
fuck it up even when we move you to The Home in a couple
of months."
How's that for an "explination", Miss "Analyst"?
Marcia with lycos
--I am confused: AOL.EXE is what opens that program;
according to my puter's warning, if I delete it I can't open
aol. I don't trust that your instructions are correct: please
validate and tell just WHY this should be done. I have the
lastest Norton antivirus software, too. This email sems more
of a hoax than your warning. Please advise.and, ASAP!
I DID explain to you WHY it should be done. Why didn't you
READ the explanation?
Are you one of these people who, after the instructions, you
raise your hand and say, "Umm, sir, I didn't quite follow all
of that."
"Yeah, Marcia? What part didn't you understand?"
"Well, everything you said *after*: pay attention."
"The instructions were in plain English. What more would
you like me to explain?"
"I'm just kind of fuzzy on the whole concept of 'following
instructions.' Can you explain *why* one would have to
*follow* instructions? Why can't you 'run alongside'
instructions? Why can't you just 'walk hand-in-hand' with
instructions? Why do you have to follow 'em? What if
you want to go one way and the instructions want to go
out back and smoke a cigarette? What if the instructions
lose the map and you're stuck on a back road late at
night with no gas in the car and a lecherous look on the
instructions' face as he tells you *all* the girls like 'this
way home'?"
Nigel in Australia
That EXE thing that Kate send is a lode of @$^^&))(%$#@!@%^&!. My dad is a
computer expert. And he told me to send this.
So your dad's a computer expert but isn't smart enough to
send an email on his own?
Tell your old man to stay the fuck away from *my* computers,
then.
Jim in the UK
This "joke" is pure stupidity on your part. Although computer-literate
people will find it funny, many people using AOL (by definition, not
computer literate) will believe you and damage their AOL installation. This
is not funny, it's childish, irresponsible and immature.
Secondly, and more seriously for you, you are exposing yourself to a lawsuit
from AOL for tortious damage, since AOL will lose revenue over this as
people will inevitable blame them when their system goes down. Would you
think it funny if someone sent an actual virus around that only stupid
people fell for? I don't think so; and this is exactly the same thing.
I'm sure you didn't think about the implications; but now that I've pointed
them out to you please, be a bit more sensible.
Oh, bite my ass, Jimbo. And take your self-righteousness
and shove it up *yours*.
I hope *thousands* of people deleted the damned file. That
means (1) there's thousands LESS idiots on the Internet
than there were a few days ago and (2) they're damned
sure not bothering me any more.
Only a moron would have taken my virus warning seriously.
Think about it: what fool would actually follow the advice of
a publication that is FULL of the word "JOKE"? Anybody
stupid enough to take JOKE a day seriously is an absolute
and total moron.
And, in case you've not been checking the sign on the door,
Jimbo, it says, "Making Fun Of Morons". That's what I do
here. I flush 'em out, shoot a few of 'em down, send the dogs
into the swamp to bring their dead carcasses over to the
"ooo-ing" and "aaaah-ing" crowd to admire.
AOL has no damages. There's only three possible "states"
a person could have been in on Monday:
** Non AOL member without AOL.EXE on their machine.
Nothing could have been deleted. AOL is out no money.
** Non AOL member *with* AOL.EXE on their machine.
AOL comes pre-loaded, but it doesn't automatically come
with a subscription. AOL is out no money if someone
deletes AOL.EXE from that machine.
** AOL subscriber *with* AOL.EXE on their machine.
AOL has *already* collected their subscription fees and
will CONTINUE to get their subscription fees. The program
doesn't have to be *working* for AOL to ding your credit
card. AOL is still out *no* money. In fact, they actually
MADE money since these morons aren't going to be using
any of the *finite* services / infrastructure of the service.
AOL being out support $$$? Are you nuts? You've
obviously never talked to the idiots that run the support
staff at AOL. This situation actually is the ONLY thing
they know how to handle because their answer for
ANYTHING is: reinstall the software.
AOL claims 29 million subscribers. Out of 342,000 subscribers
on the "big list" only 90,000 of 'em have AOL. AOL gets
about 500,000 phone calls a day for support related problems.
Which is about 2% of their base. If **20%** of my 90,000
deleted the thing and called, it'd only increase their call
load 3.6% -- and they could use their standard "Reinstall"
for *every* one of 'em. Trust me when I tell you that I
doubt not *1%* of those folks deleted the file. I can flat
guarantee you that.
So, yeah, as you can see, I *did* think through my actions.
The biggest surprise of all of this are the amazing numbers
of people who DON'T USE AOL being upset about it. And
the amazing number of people who think I can be sued over
this. Y'all need to get a grip, get a life, lighten up, or get
the hell off my list.
super_baby_doll_9 with hotmail
what the fuck do you meen by "virus?" is it in your e-mail???? if it is fuck off!!!!!!
Which word didn't you understand? You don't understand what *virus* means?
No, it's in *your* email and fucking you off is just what it'll do.
do you just disrespect me you bastard????
No, absolutely not. I never had any respect for you in the
first place, so it'd be impossible to "disrespect" you.
pluss, you are disrespecting a future singer! if you see some one out there named victoria c. that is
me!! trust me the only thing i want to do in life is to be a singer!! if you dont believe me, just wait a
couple years and look for a hot, sexy singer. from, vicks ps wut's ur a/s/l? pps mine is 14/f/canada
Here's a tip for you:
Go to school. Learn how to read. Learn how to write. Learn NOT to cuss to grown-ups. All of
these skills will come in damned handy when that signing gig doesn't pan out. My "a" is "old
enough to be your father a few times over and you should be glad that I'm not."
Tom with home
I received your warning about the virus, however I am not a subscriber of AOL, but of my cable provider. I am certain
my machine is infected with the virus, because I have been getting a rash of error messages. Can you please
tell me what I should do??????????????????
Yeah, first of all, quit using so damned many question marks. One is sufficient.
Have you called your cable company to tell them you want
their special *trinary* cable modem? Those are impervious
to every known virus.
The reason is that viruses (like all software) eventually are
converted to binary code (0s and 1s.) But a trinary modem
uses 0s, 1s, and *2s* to transmit data upstream and
downstream. There's not a single documented case of a
virus affected a trinary modem, no matter what operating
system you're on, be it Windows, Apple, Unix, MS-DOS,
OS2, or Weird Willie's KickAss OS & Chicken Wings.
Since trinary modems have been issued, it's solved a *lot*
of problems nationwide. For instance, there hasn't been
a single case of Y2K hysteria. We can thank trinary
modems for that. Not one single letter of the English
alphabet has lost its ASCII coding (as so many of the
European languages have.) Trinary modems have led the
way to making English a standard language throughout
the Internet -- except, of course, in IM sessions where
teenagers use their own version of the dialect.
So, call your cable modem company right away and don't
let up until they've issued you a trinary modem!
William with verizon
Your joke might be funny if not for the elitist attitude behind it. I know
business users who use AOL simply because, whether they are at home or
overseas, they can access their email. My wife uses AOL to communicate
with family overseas and I'm sure she doesn't know or care what executable
is needed to run AOL or any other program - and why should she? AOL's
success is partly due from its ease of use and global availability. I used
to support Mac users who loved them simply because there was no DOS prompt
or "A:" or "C:" drive to contend with. Would you say that those people are
dummies too because they like the simple user interface? Your statement "I
have grown to detest the exact kind of people AOL markets to: the clueless
teeming millions who have absolutely no business anywhere near a computer
or on the Internet" shows that you are nothing less than a bigot. Explain
to me the difference in your attitude as to who should be allowed to use
the internet (or PCs in general) and the KKK's attitude toward blacks, the
Nazi's view toward Jews, etc. A bigot - yes. A techno-snob - definitely. A
"smartass"? Perhaps you aren't that smart but that statement is half
right.
Yawn.
If you'd read any of my writings you'd see that I believe the
idea behind AOL is a good one for all of the features
you mentioned. You've read what you *wanted* to read
to back up your own inane conclusion.
The KKK's attitude towards blacks and the Nazi's views
towards Jews were not valid for a pretty simple reason:
what they believed wasn't true. Blacks and Jews simply
are not inferior and they're not sub-human.
The OVERWHELMING majority of people on AOL are
*incredibly* computer-illiterate AND functionally illiterate.
This IS a documented fact. It's not just my opinion. I have
proof to back up the FACT that the MAJORITY (not all --
read this - it's important -- not ALL, but the MAJORITY) of
AOL users DO NOT (for whatever reason it doesn't matter)
READ AND FOLLOW DIRECTIONS OR INSTRUCTIONS.
And how to classify someone who refuses (over and over
again) to follow instructions? They're idiots. Morons.
Stupid. You got another adjective for 'em?
I've not figured out yet a proper term for AOL Sympathizers,
but, man, they sure have come out of the woodwork. I'm
not sure the old "birds of feather" is too far wrong in
evaluating the defense of people who have no business near
a computer.
SasySam62 with AOL
Budy your the moron. to think that you get a big hoot out of making other
people miserable by pulling some stupid joke is beyond my understandng. what
else do you do for fun stupid???
But, you have to remember, trying to add numbers of more
than one digit would ALSO be beyond your understanding,
too, Sam. And just flat forget about multiplying 'em. Hell,
the last the phrase "mathematical operation" was said to
an AOLien, he looked all nervous and said, "Ummm, I
dunno effens my HMO covers an operation on my
mathumattacal."
This "making fun of morons" gig pretty much gives me
all the fun I need, tell ya the truth. For instance, I've been
at this for about 16 hours today and I'm just about beat.
Your letter came in and viola! instant rejuvenation! You
could almost *hear* the cells of my body burning off more
glucose, chocolate peanut-butter fudge, and a couple of
toothpicks I'd swallowed by mistake. "C'mon, guys, we've
got an AOLien up there and the brain needs our help!"
But then, the brain sent a fax to Cell Central and said,
"Stand down, gentlecells. It's not anything to get excited
about. It's just a run-of-the-mill AOL-mutt that's roaming
the streets, mangling punctuation and spelling. We can
take him out with one hand tied behind the keyboard."
Stan with corpdyn
Though I'm no fan of AOL (and have NEVER used it), I think your joke virus
warning was uncalled for, in poor taste and downright malicious.
The language in your explanation shows you have the same kind of elitist
attitude that must be part of the worldview of hackers who create real
viruses. Even though I've been a computer user since the CP/M days, I still
fail to understand why this kind of elitism exists. It's like people who
drive Indy cars looking down their noses at people who drive a Ford or a
Chevy. Why would you go out of your way to piss of the people who have
helped create the industry from which you make your living?
Maybe the AOL folks don't read directions. Or maybe computer directions are
too often written by people who have forgotten what it's like to be a novice
- or someone for whom computers are something that fall into the "nice to
have" category - or worse, someone for whom computers are a necessary evil.
Just because we don't fall into those categories, doesn't mean we have to
victimize those who do. After all, those 30 million or so AOL subscribers
have helped bring down the cost of computers so I (and other like me) can
afford to buy the latest and greatest every few years without going
completely broke and can subscribe to newsletters like yours. And let's not
forget that a fair number of those AOL folks were early adopters of the web
- giving you the opportunity to have the website you clearly love.
So, get off your high horse. There are enough assaults on the lives of
computer users that we don't need more hoaxes, jokes and real viruses to
make our lives any more complex than they already are.
Unbelievable.
Stan, I don't even know where to begin with you.
That a seemingly intelligent person (you write very articulately)
would even germinate the idea that AOL is *RESPONSIBLE*
in ANY FASHION for the Internet just blows my mind. Were
we sitting across from the table, you'd see me with mouth
wide-open in astonishment. I can only assume that you're
joking. No rational person could make such a statement
with a straight face.
Last time I checked, there were 337,000,000 users of the
Internet worldwide. AOL claims they have 30,000,000 of 'em.
Using *your* logic, that 30MM was responsible for launching
the other 307MM? Or, at the very least, in "creating" an
Internet that the rest of us current enjoy?
You've GOT to quit doing drugs, Stan. That's the only way
you're going to be taken seriously in debates.
Any webmaster who creates a site that doesn't have the
proper tools to negotiate the site OR a list-moderator who
doesn't provide easy and understandable instructions on
how to subscribe / unsubscribe, etc., etc., needs to be
horsewhipped. I come from the old school where I actually
USER-TESTED my documentation and instructions before
they were put into the field. Anyone who has a 2nd grader's
command of the King's English can figure out how to
navigate my site and my mailings.
So, with that in mind, how would *you* explain though
AOL comprises only 17% of my mailing list membership,
they account for 85% of the requests for information that
THEY FORWARDED RIGHT BACK TO ME? How difficult
is it to understand: "If you wish to unsubscribe, CLICK HERE"?
The answer, Stan the Man, is the MAJORITY OF AOL
USERS ARE FUCKING IDIOTS. It's not AOL's fault that
they're idiots. But AOL does a brilliant job of collecting
the dumb bastards and putting 'em all in one handy place.
Be gone, Stan. Your illogical conclusions literally sicken
me.
Bob Found in Canada
Your supposed AOL joke isn't funny. I'm not an AOL user (but my 80 year
old mother is), if she followed your instructions, it would mean a 3 hour
trip for me to go fix it. Yeah, I'll be laughing all the way there.
I hope AOL sues you for everything your worth. I'm going to circulate the
background on this supposed joke to all my colleagues to make sure they
don't use your service, ever. What you did is reprehensible. Your
reasoning makes you sound like Timothy McVie. There, is that funny?
Have Mom write me, Bob. We'll have a little chat about
just how *stupid* her son thinks she is.
"Mrs. Found, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son,
Bob . . . "
"Mr. Anal, you mean?"
"Yes ma'am, that's what the guys in the shop call him . . ."
"Funny, his father kept calling him 'The Little Asshole' until
the parson asked him to keep it down during devotion."
"I see, ma'am. Well, anyway, your son doesn't think you
have the mental capacity to have figured out what I sent
was a joke."
"Oh, please. This is the same kid that when I first asked
him 'Why does the chicken cross the road?' he replied,
'Mom, I hope PETA sues for everything those chicken farms
have for allowing those poor birds to cross a road without proper OSHA
safeguards in place. Who's running the place? Timothy McVeigh?'"
"So, Mrs. Found, can I tell him to piss off?"
"Why not? He's practically worthless when it comes to
computer. *I* went out and bought a Cisco router and I use my social
security check to pay for the partial T1. I've got my laptop
and my PDA and my cell all integrated using Blue Tooth,
so, I don't need him. Hell, he installed AOL, for crying out loud. Took me
almost a week to get rid of that damned program. Now I
just keep an icon in the systray and one of the desktop to
fool his dumb ass when he brings the grandkids over."
"Thank you ma'am."
"Aren't you that guy who runs Joke A Day?"
"Yes ma'am."
"You need to show more ass on the Hunk pictures, ok?"
Burden with AOL
thank for letting all of us know how many people with
inferiority complexes in flate their egos by putting others down
Are you talking about Flate, Kentucky? As a matter of fact, I
got a letter from an AOL person in Flate suffering from that
very inferiority complex you're talking about.
"Hi, I'm so inferior I can't stand it. I just want to kill myself.
And then I want to just cry my eyes out."
I gently replied, "Being inferior is a way of life for people who
use AOL, so I understand your feelings. But I want you to
know that I care deeply for you. Because of that, let me
*help* you: *reverse* the order of what you want to do and it'll
all come out fine."
Irisjol with AOL
I think you are an egotistical idiot. Not all people who use AOL are stupid,
and for you to assume such reveals an ignorant arrogance that betrays your
claim of superior intelligence. A truly intelligent person receives no
"jollies" from preying on unsuspecting newcomers to the web.
You should be ashamed of yourself; but, I guess people of your ilk do not
know the meaning of the word.
I called the "AOL claims department":
[[RING]]
"Claims."
"Hi, this is Ray."
"Yeah?"
"I have a claim in with you guys."
"For what?"
"Superior Intelligence."
"Did you mark an 'X' on your application or print your full name?"
"Full name."
"Did you use a crayon, pencil, daffodil, or ball point pen to
fill out the application?"
"I used my scanner to pull the form into software that I could
then fill out using the computer."
"Shit, you can do that?
"Yeah. That's why I filed the claim for 'Superior Intelligence.'"
"Are you egotistical?"
"Yes. Can you spell that word?"
"No. I work for AOL. I'm not required to know how to spell.
Are you an idiot?"
"No. Can you spell THAT word?"
"No. I work for AOL. Do you prey on unsuspecting newbies
who visit your website?"
"No. Usually I pray silently with my head bowed, but I never
do it on the backs of newbies -- whether they suspect it or
not."
"Do you know the definition of 'ilk'?"
"Yes. It's a new marketing campaign by AOL: 'Got Ilk?'"
"Ok. We'll get this processed and sent to you."
"How will you send it to me?"
"By email?"
"Yes, of course. AOL email."
"Can you tell me what year you expect it to arrive?"
"Well, we'll be sending it today, so, since we've been upgrading
the email system, I'd say around July of 2009."
"Morning or afternoon?"
"Does it make a difference?"
"Yeah, that morning AOL has promised to become compliant
with 1997 Internet Standards and I kind of thought I'd like to
see that."
Nancy with AOL
I found your rant about aol subscribers tasteless and insulting. Guess I
just can't take a joke.
That is a shame, Nancy. 'Cuz the rest of us thought it was
a hoot.
According to your website, you've formally studied French,
Italian, Green, and Latin. Perhaps if you'd spent a little time
on English, the joke's obviousness would have leapt out at you.
The rest of us meaning what exactly? Do you mean the joke is obvious? Sure
it's obvious. It just isn't funny. It's not even remotely a joke. Making
fun of AOL subscribers in a way that makes them feel bad just isn't funny to
me. And I used to teach English so I don't feel that I am lacking. BTW I
was not inviting you to look up my website and make fun of that as well. I
would have thhought *that* was obvious as well. But you wouldn't understand
manners. Shall we agree to disagree?
Nanc', hon, look at your original letter:
"Guess I just can't take a JOKE." (Emphasis mine.)
You called it a joke to begin with. Now you're saying it's not a
joke. Would ya make up your mind? Your arguments might
carry some more weight if you weren't confused. Surely, if
you've taught English, you told your students to quit mixing
up their stories.
"The rest of us" meaning ALL of the *thousands* of people
who *were* able to "take a joke" and *did* get the joke and
who thought it was hilarious. I suggest you close the Latin
books and hit a comedy club or two. You need to laugh
a little bit, hon.
Because, I have to tell you, you're *way* too uptight. Just like
no one who had the most *modest* of common sense would
have fell for the joke, only someone who is completely
defensive would think I'd made fun of your studies of other
languages. Are you *embarrassed* you've studied other
languages?
A little secret for ya, Nanc', hon: I didn't make anyone feel
any way. If I affected anyone's "feelings", I did so with their
explicit consent.
Your rant on feelings reminds me of when I was undergoing
a legal deposition. The person I was with was asked a
question to which she answered incorrectly. I said, "If I
may answer, the correct answer is: ABC/ XYZ." The lawyer
retorted, "It doesn't matter -- it only matter what she feels is
the correct answer." I said to the person I was with, "See?
I told you it was ok to feel the lawyer is a complete asshole."
Doug with AOL
All customers of AOL are not dumb. It is just the ISP of choice. God bless
America!!
God *did* bless America, several times over, Doug. But I
happen to know He turned to Satan and said, "Ya want this
AOL thing? I've got no use for it."
Satan took it, pissed on it, and starting manufacturing CDs.
Carolyn with AOL
If you pee in a pond and if people then become ill from drinking the pond
water, are you blameless because they chose to take a drink? Should they have
known that since you pee everywhere, you'd eventually pee in their pond and
therefore should refrain from drinking the water? Or have you, by peeing
liberally in their pond, created a hazard that will affect everyone without a
home-water-testing kit? Do you sell home-water-testing kits or do you own
stock in such a company and will therefore benefit monetarily by the crisis
your pond-peeing has created? Will the pond-peeing police eventually find you
and force-feed you crow steamed in the very same pond water you so brazenly
polluted? Can you honestly declare that not a single one of the consequences
following your allegedly premeditated pond-peeing spree was your fault?
Piss off.
Jordan with AOL
A joke ceases to be a joke when it causes harm to others. This is what you
are doing with your "hoax" about AOL.exe. You are just a big boob, a little
boy in grown-up clothes (if you are indeed over 13). Shame on you for
causing harm. I'm one of the people that others write to in panic when they
think they have a computer virus. Their lack of computer knowledge and
knowledge of the specialized world of computer viruses does not mean they are
stupid. It means they have not acquired that information. I guess they are
too busy teaching at universities, running medical facilities, reading books,
not writing jokes and disseminating hoaxes and pranks like you are. You have
certainly damaged your own reputation in the Internet world, I would say. No
one could ever trust you or believe you in the future. Good work.
By the way, my IQ is way over 85 and my education is excellent. I also made
a real killing on my aol stock.
Tell ya what, Jordy: you give me the names of those folks
who're teaching at universities, running medical facilities,
and reading something other than COMIC BOOKS (of which
I love, by the way, but it's not my main source of reading
pleasure) who actually BELIEVED the joke as real and took
out their AOL.EXE file.
Then, I'll make sure to *personally* visit those universities
and medical facilities and will *personally* buy ad space
in whatever publications will directly target the consumers
of those services.
The ad will say:
"According to Jordy at AOL.COM, the following instructors,
professors, doctors, and administrators haven't the ability
to read and comprehend a joke. Hundreds of thousands
of people who haven't the advantage of working in these
prestigious jobs DID get the joke and laughed heartily,
because they knew there were going to be hundreds of
thousands of others who DIDN'T read it, and got bit on their
asses. Who would have thunk it that those asses would
be so well-heeled (to mix metaphors.) So, if you're currently
a consumer of any of these professionals' services, be
aware they cannot comprehend 'removing this file will allow
your IQ to go over 85 plus you'll be able to spell correctly and
write complete sentences' as a joke."
The reason *why* this thing took off so good (bad?) was
because people are calling folks like *you* for help with
their computers. If that's not a text-book example of
stupidity, I'd be hard pressed to come up with a better one.
By the way, upon new of this "virus" (humph) I was tickled
to notice AOL's stock was down by over a buck a share.
Vengeance is mine.
Gail with AOL
I can't believe what an ass you are.Why don't you show us how you set the
timing in your vehicle, or adjust the timing belt ?? What ? Can't even FIND
them ? Then you shouldn't be allowed behind the wheel of a vehicle.The
internet does NOT belong to the computer savvy, nor to the computer savants,
and what a boring place it would be if it did. You have no business trying to
screw over anyone on the net."The Big Boys" will probably ignore your hoax as
the ramblings of a pompous, egotistical self aggrandized jerk, but the
newbies and beginners to the net might fall for your crap. My, my...you're
able to fool kindergarteners...aren't *you* proud ? You don't "love AOL" and
you're probably only capable of loving yourself.Maybe there's a little
something your mama never taught you...that this is you have one,- "It isn't
a joke if it hurts someone" and for someone who professes to love AOL, you've
screwed em' royally, as well as the few people who, as net newbies, may have
actually looked to you as a source of info. Congratulations.What an
accomplishment.Now why don't you do something constructive and try to help
some newbies out ?
Ahh, at least ONE AOLien got a computer nerd buddy to
help her reinstall AOL.EXE! I thought I'd killed off the entire
herd!
Ya see, Gail, until now, you've been quiet. We just *assumed*
you were dumb. Now you went and opened up your mouth,
so, shit, none of us have the least bit of *doubt* any more.
I know exactly where my timing belt is on my Accord. I
know exactly when it should be changed. Why adjust it?
Just change the damned thing WHEN THE BOOK SAYS TO
DO SO.
What is it with you AOLiens? Y'all all use the very same
argument: "Well, just because I'm a fucking moron with
a computer this means that everyone else should know how
to change a spark plug, too!" It's a flawed . . . I was going
to say analogy, but I'm not sure you'll understand that word,
aw, hell, you won't understand it anyway.
Can *you* open up your computer and put in a new hard
drive? What if you've got a EIDE drive? Will you have enough
sense not to buy an SCSI addition?
But, this is missing the entire point. Knowing how to drop
the engine and replace it doesn't mean one knows how to
DRIVE. Knowing how to open up a computer doesn't mean
one knows how to USE it.
To drive, you *must* pass a certification test and be of a
certain age. To get on AOL, you have to have stolen a
credit card and not have had that credit card being reported
as stolen.
To drive, you have to have knowledge of driving laws. To get
on AOL, you have to have carnal knowledge of a goat.
To drive, you have to be proficient with handling a car's
steering wheel and pedals. To get on AOL, you have to
be proficient with typing with one hand while cruising
www.cumfuckmenow.com
To drive, you need to have vision enough to see the dangers
the road presents. To get on AOL, you need to be BLIND
to how they're fucking you over.
Trust me: if a newbie reads all of this, they'll stay away from
AOL for a lifetime. And my job will be done. :)
Gogstar with AOL
Those who believed your virus e-mail may have been fools who deserved your
wrath but some sort of plague should be sent to the computers of those who
send ANY chain letters, including, and especially, jokes. Get a life.
So I guess chain letters that AREN'T jokes are ok?
I was writing hypothetically. You shouldn't believe everything you read.
Then I can discard the "get a life" statement?
Ed, Esq., with AOL
Just read about your "prank".
Don't you care at all about the newbies and novices who had your 'warning'
passed on to them, and went ahead and deleted AOL.EXE?
Obviously, you don't understand that for the vast majority of computer users
who started out in the past few years (I am not one of them), the computer is
a tool, a conduit. They care no more about how it, and any services they use
on it, works, than they do about how their car works. They want it to work.
In many instances, they NEED it to work.
What you did was thoughtless, and given your level of expertise,
unconscionable.
Let me see . . . do I care about "newbies" and "novices"?
Hmmm . . .
Nope.
The only people who fell for my joke haven't mastered the
English comprehension skills of a 5th grader.
Understanding it was a JOKE did NOT require ANY
expertise in running a computer. It simply required that
you be able to READ and UNDERSTAND what you read.
After four years of running this place, I'm not the least
bit surprised there's so many stupid people out there.
What I can't comprehend are the number of apologists
of those people.
What you *obviously* don't understand is that for the
vast majority of AOL users, the computer is a toy, a chat
room, a IM machine. Deleting the file AOL.EXE may
actually get a few of 'em to learn how to USE the machine
AS a tool.
Get off your high horse, counselor, and go chase an
ambulance or two. Trying to justify stupidity is a time
honored pursuit among lawyers, but it simply pisses
me off.
Nhas with AOL
Shame on you, you used the fact that you have some knowlege others don't
(which doesn't necessarily make you smarter) to pull a prank. Did you at
least get out of 7th grade? Do you even have a life beyond the glow of your
terminal?
Just because you placed some text saying it was a joke, you showed a
predatory disregard for users in general. You know that there are so many
viruses out there, and that they can wreak such havoc that anyone reading the
message (except for the effete elite) would be shaken up. It was pretty
irresponsible on your part. Joke or no joke.
Yep. My "knowledge" of how to read is ALWAYS getting
me in trouble like this.
It never fails. I'll be in a situation where someone passes
out some instructions to me and a bunch of idiots from AOL.
"Now," the moderator begins, "Who can tell me the answer to
question #1?"
Everyone (except me) shuffles their feet, files their nails,
studies the paper without looking at the proctor, looks out
the window.
My hand always goes up.
"Good, Mr. Owens. Would you please read the question
out loud and give your answer?"
"Yes. The question is: can you read and comprehend plain
English? My answer is: well, duh."
The rest of the room all get that hateful stare. "You're showing
off again, Owens!" "Just because YOU had parents that
CARED that you learned something in school!" "I could
READ if I didn't want to be COOL with my job flipping fries!"
Flipping fries?
Jean with AOL
I've always gotten a chuckle out of your stuff despite the fact that you
consider me an idiot because I have AOL after my name. However, lately the
attacks have become quite vicious, and so I just quit reading. I always read
directions and I am not stupid and I do not fall for hoax viruses and I am
very computer literate and I can spell without a spell checker. I love
chuckles, but I hate rants that lump me into a moron category, so farewell to
jokeaday.
Have I ever written *you* and said, "Jean, you're an idiot."
No, of course not.
Have I *ever* said, "ALL AOL users are idiots?"
No, of course not.
Haven't I *always* said, "The MAJORITY of AOL users are . . .
(fill in your adjective)."
Yes, of course. Yes, of course because that is the
*truth*, Jean. Whether you want to admit it or not,
whether you want to be lumped in with 'em or not,
whether or not it's your *opinion* that it's not true, the
fact of the matter is it IS true.
You certainly don't have to justify your choice of products
as a consumer. But I'm not the only one who knows this
truth about AOL. I just happen to be the most vocal about
it.
My question to you is: if you're as smart as you have
portrayed yourself in your letter, then why would you
*voluntarily* associate with a group which is so maligned?
Why would you *pay* for the privilege of being ridiculed
just because of your email address? Why would you
stand for inferior customer service and the highest prices
when you can find *superior* service, *superior* products,
and *lower* prices simply by opening your phone book.
Jo with AOL
The extreme you resorted to in your warped desire to prove "our"
stupidity, had less to do with a culling out of the ignorant masses (as seen
in your own mind) than the result it ultimately achieved. It only served to
prove it's originator as being of sub-standard human quality (the term
"human" being used loosely here) with some distorted need (mental illness?)
to build up their own impoverished ego (sounds like a "McVeigh-type"
personality in the making).
If you could see through the low-mindedness of your ways with any clarity
(which I do realize you are incapable of), you would understand how small the
act was in comparison to how large it now publically stands as a symbol of
your own level of character and humanity. It's a shame that what is most
likely atleast an average intelligence could produce such cruelty.
You designed, with intention, the destruction of the human spirit just as
much as McVeigh intentionally designed the destruction of physical lives.
And, ANY intent to willfully harm, whether physically or emotionally, can be
seen in no less of a comparision.
You cause pain to others. What a waste of earthspace you take up.
Ho Jo:
(Surely you've heard that greeting before!)
"Destruction of the human spirit"? Oh, BWAHAHAHAHA.
That's *good*. You should contact AOL's marketing
department:
"NEW AOL 6.0 -- Now with less compliant email, longer
connection wait times, and genuine 92% HUMAN SPIRIT!
(Contact the Center For Disease Control for composition
of the other 8%.)"
I'd be tickled as hell if I "culled the herd", Jo. It'd simply
go to prove what I've been saying all along, wouldn't it?
It'd validate everything I've said about AOLiens. It'd no longer
be my "opinion" on the matter. It'd be a documented *fact*
that these morons were so *dumb* they'd actually believe
a *JOKE* list is a respectable enough authority to actually
delete a file off of your computer.
Why aren't the people who FORWARDED the joke, without
my numerous clues as to its origination from a JOKE LIST,
also being compared to McVeigh? Hitler? Pol Pot? Steve
Case?
Let me let you in on a little secret: I don't cause pain. I
cause laughter. Any pain people derive is 100% self-
inflicted.
"Earthspace"? Next thing you know you'll be saying "synergy"
and "hug a tree before you kiss that beaver."
A sense of humor lives in abundance on this end and jokes are sent out
regularly. It's just that in life, not everything IS a joke. I'm sure not a
joke, though, from your commentary you must think that since I dare to carry
an AOL account (talk about putting people in boxes).
I could go into the why's of why AOL is being used, but somehow the effort
would probably go swooshing past any desire you have to relate to reality.
While catagorized as stupid (thank you, Ray), I'm not a fool.
I will say, however, that to speak of people in such degrading terms as you
have done now more than once...well, one can only think just how much you
must hate people! How sad.
The last email sent was as an attempt to get through to the real human in
there. Guess you don't go that deep...some people don't.
Hug a tree, but don't kiss beavers...they bite.
Ahhhh, how many ways could you be wrong, let me count
the ways . . . :)
** *Life* is a joke. It starts with two people doing the
creature with two backs. It ends when The Big G decides
he needs another set of hands to help paint His Basement.
The only thing that separates us from the animals, Jo, is
our ability to laugh. (Mark Twain said once that man is the
only animal who blushes, "and the only one who needs to."
Not that that has anything to do with this conversation, but
I like Twain and quote him when I can.)
You've GOT to laugh about things else you'll go crazy. The
people who were incarcerated in the concentration camps
in Nazi Germany made light (as light as they could) of their
situation. In comparison to that, what do you have to be
"serious" about?
** You come off as *way* smarter than the average
AOLien, Jo. There's plenty of people like you on AOL. But,
do this for me: visit ANY chat room of your choice on AOL.
Spend two hours in there and just attempt to find TWO
people that you could have a serious conversation with.
Anyone that can spell or isn't consumed with knowing
what you're wearing, your A/S/L and do ya "wanna cyber,
bitch?" It's not possible.
Did your car insurance company contact you personally
when they sent your last bill? Did they personally ride with
you and find out what kind of driver you are? They check
*your* driving record from the state files? No, of course
they didn't. They took at a look at: your age, gender,
financial standing (derived in part from what kind of car
you own), previous tickets . . . and they came to a "picture"
of you (which'd be pretty damned accurate) based on an
amalgam of information. For people in your category (and
you're not alone) you'd receive a bill of $X.00 for your car
insurance.
AOL works the same way. Because of the millions of
absolute idiots who are on the service, you suffer the
prejudice of carrying an AOL.COM account. It DOES NOT
matter how intelligent you are. It DOES NOT that you
don't act like a "typical" AOLien. You are tarred with the
brush of prejudice because you choose to have what is
considered by EVERY COMPUTER PROFESSIONAL ON
THE PLANET to be the worst ISP and the home of the
dumbest people.
Arguing with me is a waste of your time. You can't dismiss
this iron clad fact.
Anyway, good luck with your email account. Perhaps
some day you'll put your intelligence to use, wake up,
and realize that AOL carries a stigma which is never
going to go away. In fact, it's only going to get worse.
And I like kissing beavers -- never had one bite me, though.
What kind of beavers are *you* kissing?
Todd with ltron
I just read about your AOL joke on the web newsites. Anyone coming
to your site marked www.jokeaday.com should take all "information" listed
with a ton of salt. But I can imagine some people taking the text-only from
your AOL alert and emailing all their friends (either as an inside joke
themselves or lack of foresight on their part in to see how harshly some
people would react). Anyway, I would suspect that some of these people got
your info from a 3rd party, did NOT know it came from www.jokeaday.com and
deleted their AOL.exe. For these people, I don't think they deserve your
quote I saw
The smart people had a good laugh, and the dumb people were scared
as all get out,"
It seems like you associate yourself with the pinnacle of knowledge.
It also seems like you think that if you don't know enough about computers
then you have no business on them. Well, my poor old Dad struggles with his
PC. He has a lot of fun with it, it helps him a lot in some areas and it
also causes him some aggravation. He is just a farmer and would probably, by
your quote above, be grouped into the "dumb" people group. My Dad is a
farmer. He minds his own business at his place. He does not cut people off
on the expressway because there is none where he is at. He fixes his own
trucks, his own cars and his own tractors. He recently built himself a new
house (and yes, I am talking about indoor plumbing and electricity). He
farms 1000 acres of land and this means he feeds about 100 people on this
earth. That's all he does and he does it all by himself. So pardon him
please if he doesn't have time to keep up with your great PC insight. He
can't do a basic website, let alone an "informative" one like yours.
We can only hope that the future generations will produce more
people like you, Mr. Owens, which bring us joke-a-day sites. We don't need
too many more people like my Dad ... he raises WAY TOO much food for the
world. This might explain why the obesity rate in the US is climbing. Part
of this problem might be from folks spending too much time behind the
computer reading jokes. Maybe even programmers like yourself are heavily
overweight. Maybe this is why you are so quick to judge others.
Give me a break.
"Smart" people are people who can read and comprehend
a VERY simple joke.
"Dumb" people are people who cannot (or, more commonly
DO NOT) read a set of instructions or a document all the
way through before they freak.
It has nothing whatsoever to do with your level of computer
expertise.
I talk about those people who have no business near a
computer. We all have our strengths. Me, build a house
like your father? Good God almighty, man, I'd have trouble
knowing which end of the hammer to hold.
Would your father have liked a crew of people helping him
build his house who (1) didn't know what they were doing
and (2) even though they didn't know what they were doing,
they didn't bother asking for help or reading instructions to
figure it out? How much could he have gotten done if he
had to spend all day long ripping down the siding because
some idiot nailed it on vertically instead of horizontally?
How long would it take for him to scream in frustration over
someone who's (for the fifteenth time today) crossed the
fresh water with the sewage lines? Do you truly think he'd
stand for someone who poured cement on the carpet AND
hollered at your Dad, "HEY, FUCKFACE, IF U DOANT
FEEDE M RITE NOW 2DAY I WILL FUK U UP!"
But, what separates the *smart* people from the *stupid*
people is they (1) will OBSERVE (read FAQs) before they
try something new. (2) If they're unsure, they POLITELY
ask for assistance, knowing how valuable someone else's
time is. (3) They REMEMBER what they were taught,
thank the person who taught them, and use that knowledge
as a lever to learn *more*.
In answer to your thinly veiled, "You're a fat nerd" insult,
all I have to say is if your dad is smart enough to accomplish
all the things you say he can, it must be a great embarrassment
to him to have raised such an ignorant son.
George in Canada
I spend a lot of my time shooting down virus hoaxes for friends. AND YES -- I had to shoot down this one a couple of times. Hope you are proud.
My definition of a bully is someone who inflicts pain on people who can't protect themselves.
You qualify - hope you're proud of yourself. gmck
My definition of an idiot is someone who doesn't read
everything before taking an action -- then blames someone
*else* for their own stupidity.
I'm *always* proud of myself when I find *those* people.
Then the rest of the crowd laughs and applauds, oohs and
aaahs. Life is good.
Obviously you are very computer literate and look at the rest of
the world from that viewpoint. 99% of the "great unwashed" don't have your
background. I think the old expression "Shooting fish in a barrel" applies
here.
A "Child" is one who doesn't know and wants to know. An "Idiot" is
one who takes advantage of a child. I think you should look in a mirror
before calling a child an idiot. gmck
Computer literacy had absolutely NOTHING to do with this
joke, George. Basic third-grade reading skills were all that
were required to figure out this wasn't for real.
Those "children" who wanted to know would have *asked*
a "grown-up" before they deleted a file. The "idiots" panicked
and did it on their own.
I did follow your suggestion and checked the closest mirror.
But I wind up admiring myself for hours on end and I never
get any work done that way.
watcher707@hushmail.com
Greetings Ray,
That recent AOL user joke was the STUPIDEST crap ever!
Sooooo... you fancy yourself as a computer genius, eh?
Man, if your IQ was NEARLY as high as 85, you'd be doing something CONSTRUCTIVE
for a change!
It's inhumane FOOLS like you who cause trouble for people... some of the
novices fell for your trick. Imagine how much time waste and frustration
you have caused. Imagine how much turmoil you may have caused to the many,
possibly hundreds of people, who may not have been computer literate enough
to avoid your stupidity.
Low-minded CLOWNS like you are so ignorant that you have NO CLUE!
Ever heard of "What goes around, comes around?" Or are you too stupid to
understand that?
Not all AOL users are STUPID as YOU are. Are you OBSESSED???
Now I have found your web site. Interesting crap you got there... Be careful,
be VERY careful.
The Watcher
Those who act thoughtlessly or with bad intention invite misery.
Oh please.
Avoiding my "virus" required no computer knowledge. It
required an ability to read.
"Be careful"? The only careful thing I need to do is make sure
I don't step in the bullshit folks like you leave in your wake.
It's too late. You are clueless. Like I said, do be careful.
Yeah yeah yeah . . .
Kara with yahoo
I don't mean to be rude, everyone that I know, knows
that. But I didn't mind the AOL.exe joke, I didn't
fall for it or any of that, but it really is starting
to wear thin, I'd thank you alort of you could find
other jokes to write about, I think you have better
taste than that don't you? Thanks
Did ya hear about the Yahoo virus that affects one's sense
of taste?
Mary with hotmail
I may be a little confused.... I know the aol.exe thing was a
joke.. cause of aol upping their prices but alot of people are
getting misguided information because they believe so much.
Yes trojans are given through .exe files, BUT not all .exe files
are bad. Most programs are set for .exe files for running... the
best thing for the confused person to do is to run an up-to-date
antivirus program. I know a man who has been online for over
3 years and he still believes EVERYTHING that is sent to him.
He has finally stopped sending me "warnings" because I send
him to UrbanLegends.com for the right info.
That's right. Not all of the .exe files are bad.
Very true.
But, what is all bad are the .com files. These are residual
files left over from surfing the internet's "dot-com" addresses.
They allow your browser to integrate its cache memory along
with a macro file activated by the site itself and *very* quickly
bring up a website. Otherwise, those people on slower
modems would have a devil of time loading lots of graphics.
The .com files contain most of the info, so only "updates" have
to be reintegrated into the file when one goes to the site.
Since they're all binary files and in compressed format, they
load down to your system REALLY fast.
Most ethical programmers also build in a "suicide pill" into the
.com files. (Kind of like the "Easter Eggs" you hear so much
about -- hidden features in DVDs and software programs).
This means that when you're done on a particular "dot-com"
site, the .com file removes itself completely.
However, the more I've investigated this, I've found that the US
Government was dead on in their analysis of Microsoft. It
turns out that Microsoft has arm-twisted the leading chip
makers (Intel, AMD, etc.) to deposit a file called win.com on
most PCs.
If you go to www.win.com, you'll see it's what looks like a
lame-ass site. But reading the WHOIS shows the registrar as
none other than a "Steven W. Ballmer."
The CEO and President of Microsoft.
Ballmer's REAL middle name is "Eugene", but theorists
claim Gates himself told Ballmer to use "W" for "Windows".
www.microsoft.com, www.windows.com, and www.win.com
will *all* activate the win.com file within your system. From
this file, they can monitor EVERYTHING you do. Every file
you download. Every thing you buy. Every site you visit.
So, yes, while all .exe files are not "bad", almost ALL .com
files are particularly insidious and this win.com file is among
the worst.
Feel free to pass this along.
BillanLynn with AOL
The reason your AOL joke is not funny is for the same reason the Pope should
one day announce that he is an atheist.
Anyone who has the ability to manipulate people has a responsibility to
regard the result of that power being wielded. Because you drive a car does
not allow you to run over small children and dogs.
I'm glad that your mailbox was slammed. I hope this experience has taught
you something positive.
Slammed? My mailbox wasn't "slammed". I get hundreds of
emails a day and MOST of 'em (unlike an AOL mailbox) ain't
SPAM. On the comments about the AOL.EXE virus, 65% of
'em were from people who got the joke and appreciated the
hell out of it because they knew the other 35% are the same
35% that'd spend all night filling up the pepper shaker by putting
the pepper in those little holes.
The Pope's not an atheist??? Shit, there goes Monday's issue
where we were going to debate the merits of a Southern Baptist
(namely, myself) taking over when JP2.0 steps down (or, when
The Big G calls JP2.0's loan due on his life cycle.) So, what
faith IS JP2.0? I mean, he doesn't believe in the same God *I*
do, obviously. Mine you don't have to have middle managers,
birds, and chess pieces as go-betweens. With my faith, I
just call God up and have a chat with him. Like so
[RING]
"What?"
"God, it's me, Ray from Joke A Day."
"Yeah, I know."
"Oh, ya got that caller ID thing finally installed?"
"Sort of. It's a special feature called 'omniscience'. Available
only to those in My area code."
"Damn. That'd be pretty cool to have."
"What do you want this time?"
"That omniscience thing doesn't work all the time, huh?"
"Yeah, it does, but I like it when you talk to Me."
"Well, I wanted to talk to You about this supposed power
you've given me."
"That 'manipulating people' power thing?"
"Yeah, that's the one. I checked my owner's manual -- by
the way, when's my warranty up?"
"Sooner than you think."
"Damn. Anyway. I checked the owner's manual and I didn't
see anything about this 'people manipulation' extra feature.
Did mama and daddy pay something extra for that?"
"Naw, because you got the 'free' version of the software."
"How does that work?"
"People who've upgraded to the 'deluxe' version of the 'People
Manipulator' actually get the source code to the 'Influence'
module. Folks like Roosevelt, Churchill, Gandhi. My boy . . ."
"JC?"
" . . . yeah, he actually got the 'Developer's Kit'. He's been
influencing people for a couple of thousand years, now."
"So, what do I get with the 'free' version?"
"You can manipulate those with weak minds. Like lawyers.
Politicians. Professional sports players. People who shop
for fine jewelry at K-Mart. Folks who see the down button
is already pressed, but mash on it anyway to get the
elevator to come down quicker. Women who spell their names
with an 'i' where a 'y' is more appropriate. Anyone using AOL."
"Ahhh, so *that's* why the AOL virus thing went so crazy!"
"But, here's the thing you can't get manipulate 'em to do
anything *useful*. Like send you money. Read a set of
directions written in their mother tongue."
"Without an upgrade charge, right?"
"Right."
"So, the only thing I can get weak minded people to do are
things like drive over small children and dogs?"
"Right."
"I guess I could put that to use. Ok, thanks, it's been great
talking to You. Any message You want me to pass along?
You know, I'll be John Denver and you can be George Burns?"
"No. But if you keep up with cracks like that, you'll be seeing
those guys do 'Oh God Part VII' IN PERSON."
