WARDEN FLIPS COIN -- EXECUTES MCVEIGH INSTEAD OF OWENS
Capital punishment advocates were evenly divided on a poll on
the website www.humanmonsters.com as to which person
should be executed today. Calling "heads", convicted
Oklahoma terrorist Timothy McVeigh was executed around
8:00am yesterday morning. AOL.EXE hoax author Ray
Owens was spared.
The FBI had "misplaced" some 3000 documents in the Owens
case back in May. Readers will recall AOL recently bought
the FBI in an all-stock deal. AOL immediately began closing
FBI offices around the country in a proactive cost-cutting
method. AOL promised with version 7.0 release that it'd be so
buggy no one would have time to commit any crimes requiring
the FBI's attention.
Attorney General John Ashcroft personally stayed Owens's
execution. "There is no doubt as to this man's guilt," he said,
"He freely admits to the crime of the AOL.EXE virus. He's
been so callous to say those who actually deleted the file
were 'collateral damage'. He has no remorse for what he's
done."
McVeigh was anxious to go before Owens. He was quoted as
saying to the warden, "If that sumbitch says 'AOL.EXE virus'
one more time I'm going to slit my own throat."
The prison had two execution chambers ready in anticipation
as to which man was to meet his doom. McVeigh was led to
a room to be killed with lethal injection. Owens would have
had AOL CD-ROMS shoved up his ass.
NEW SOFTWARE TO FIGHT COMPUTER HOAXES
Software giant A'Gents has teemed up with the premium
chip manufacturer Intel to create a new company devoted
to fighting computer viruses and other software problems.
The new self-named company's software, called
"Intel A'Gents", claims that once a computer operator
has it, no virus will be able to infect a computer. "Someone
with Intel A'Gents would automatically have the most up
to date anti-virus software and would be making regular
backups of their data."
More importantly, virus hoaxes and rumors of viruses will
be a thing of the past. "The recent subflnk.exe virus hoax
and the more famous AOL.EXE virus," said Intel A'Gents
spokesman Albert Hawkings, "wouldn't have caused the
least bit of concern. People would have brushed off the
subflnk virus and had a good chuckle at the AOL.EXE
virus if they'd only had Intel A'Gents."
Analysts say if Intel A'Gents catches on (and that's a
big if) then the entire Internet (as well as all of computing)
will be changed forever. Hawkings says, "Imagine, if
you will, no more chain letters. No more 'get rich quick'
schemes. No more SPAM because people who have
Intel A'Gents would never buy something from a SPAMmer."
Hawkings was optimistic about the future of chat rooms,
online forums, and message boards. "Just think of the literate
postings you could see. The well thought out missives of
people who have Intel A'Gents. Even on the personal boards,
there'd be no more 'A/S/L' or 'i need sum sex cuz im hornny'
postings because people with Intel A'Gents would concentrate
on intimacy -- which is far sexier, of course. I'd go so far
as to say a person who has Intel A'Gents would be
considered *very* sexy."
Software itself will change, Hawkings says. "Anyone who
has Intel A'Gents won't automatically buy the latest and
greatest upgrade just because it's 'new.' Intel A'Gents will
advise a purchase only on the grounds it improves
productivity. This will cause software manufacturers to
make *real* improvements in their software and not just
cosmetic changes solely in order to get a few bucks on
an upgrade charge."
Hawkings admits their greatest challenge will be AOL and
WebTV. "AOL has flat told us if someone has Intel A'Gents
then they won't use AOL at all. As far as WebTV goes,
it's not even a real computer. So, anyone using WebTV
can't possibly have Intel A'Gents."
Intel A'Gents and its add-on financial software feature,
C'mon Cents, can be ordered from Joke A Day.
It was about ten days when the media circus died down. Everyone
who'd not been living in a computer cave had written and expressed
their sentiments about the whole thing. The media had gone on to
bigger and better things. I'd finally gotten through with the last
of my emails. Now, instead of trickling in at 20 to 30 every time
I'd look for new mail, it was a nice managable 3 to 4 every few
minutes. Everyone had had their say on the subject and had endlessly
debated everyone else's say.
All except for Mike.
Michael with the US Government (a subsidiary of AOL)
I received a news service page from MSNBC on my pager last week, speaking of
a hoax, claiming that a web site was telling people to delete the file
AOL.EXE. Do you think maybe that you made the national news?
No, really? I hadn't heard a word about it . . .
The link below was where I copied the text. Looks like you made the big
time.
http//www.msnbc.com/news/585850.asp#BODY
How cool. Funny, you'd think I'd have heard about this by
now!
Thanks, Mike!
