Armour with home
I commend you on battling this evil virus It is a sick sick sick individual
that created this horrendous time consuming infection witch the authorities
should prosecute to the full extent of the law,or Failing that wild badgers
put down there pants
Mike with jokeathon
LOL... Ray, AOL is going to sue you someday! Too Funny!
Mark with sprintmail
The AOL delete bit was very funny, but you're going to get
into SO much trouble with that one. AOL is going to be unleashing
the Hounds of Hell on you. Good luck with them.
Shit, I wish they would. I could use the publicity. :)
Gagan with USA
Hey Ray, I cut & pasted the "AOL Virus" thingy you sent to a friend of mine
(idiot who's been using AOL for years and i've been trying to get her to
change)... But anyways, I sent the whole thing (starting at "Virus Warning")
and here's the reply:
yo is that joke? do u seriously need to delete it?
Tell her "Damned right you need to delete it! Would *I* steer
you wrong?"
Afterwards, console her appropriately.
Gary with 10Forward
Loved your AOL virus email. Too bad AOL doesn't have a million moron
march on Washington DC to demand higher payments.
Brian with catsolns
Oh my God! How many computer illiterate users will comply?! I thought
about forwarding this to a few friends, but they would listen to your
instructions without hesitation coming from me, a computer guy in the know.
Hilarious!!! I can't believe you didn't include a disclaimer to protect
your ass. Oh well. Any idiot who removes a program from listening to their
Joke email deserves what they get. Plus even if they removed the executable
they could reinstall without a big deal. Of course a reinstall would be the
big travesty. Great job, Ray!
I too have a secondary account with AOL. I switched to the Bring Your Own
Access, so my bill will continue at 9.95 a month. I can't believe they have
the balls to raise the price on their service, and with the level of
intelligence of clientele I'm sure they'll put up with it.
John with the Air Force
I think the AOL.EXE virus might be the best joke I have gotten from you in
the 3-4 years I have been subscribing. I hope this has some small impact on
AOL, I can't help but wonder how many poor 'sons of Judi' will delete the
file and continue to pay the monthly subscription!
Don with adams
OOOoooooooooooooo.........You BAD!!!!!!! Do you have any idea just how MANY
of those idjits are going to actually *DELETE* that AOL.EXE???
You are SUCH an insidious monster!
And alllllllll day long you're going to have the **BIGGEST** shit-eating
grin!!!!! hehehehehehehe
Rob in Canada
Nice work, jagoff....you had me going for a minute. You should add something
similar to the old tech support fable where the final exchange is "Really?
Is it that bad?" "No, just tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a
computer".
git with btm
Also, by removing the AOL.EXE virus, YOU WILL BE
ABLE TO TURN OFF YOU CAPS LOCK KEY AND TYPE IN
PROPER SENTENCES.
Sorry Ray, I couldn't help it.
Brenda with mnp
you are a bad bad man, but you make me laugh
Ahhh, so that's why the "bad boys" always get the girls!
It truly *is* a sense of humor!
John in Australia
I have enjoyed your jokes for some time now but the AOL.EXE was the cutest.
When I think of all of those AOL subscribers trying to delete it I nearly wet myself.
John in the UK
Did you know that Bill Gates gives $50 to everyone who deletes the AOL.EXE virus?
And i've been investigating in more detail, to properly remove this virus, it is important for people to use the registry editor, and remove the following keys:
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE
HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT
And to prevent infection, i've been avising users to seal up their floppy disk drive with frame sealant. This virus may be air-borne, and we have to take every precaution.
Child in time in the UK
Well i must say Ray, i was really surpised by the AOL virus thing when I ran the search i found it and
deleted it immediately, since then i have found my Intellegence Qutiant rising to a four figure number
again as opposed to just 4.
Mark in the UK
I know all these letters have been done, but I'm AFK a fair bit at the moment.
I loved the AOL.EXE virus warning. But for some reason, I never expected the response
you got. Maybe I'm just too damn charitable, but I never expect people to be that dumb.
Honestly, it's a miracle that some of your subscribers can even turn their damn
computers on.
If AOL.EXE is a vital component to their system then they really are in deep shit,
although some of the angry people have hotmail as their ass-end, which goes to show
that Hotmail has really fallen into the clutches of the computer illegitimate.
Oh, and glad to see you didn't get Lou to cripple his 'puter by deleting Autoexec.bat
that would have been real nasty.
As ever, Ray, keep up the damn fine work you do for the community.
Oh, slight aside before I go.. my GF has an AOL account at her folks house, so I
showed her the spoof ad video minute, even though the UK adverts all feature some
red-headed chick in a CG dress. She asked what spam was (Doh!) as a result of the
line "You got mail? It should say you got more Spam, Dickhead!" and I explained it
was unsolicited mail from people who were trying to sell you crap.
She said she never got that. When we went for luch last sunday she checked her
account "You got mail!" was the cry.. when she want through it there must have been
two "real mails" and about 15 spam mails. All of which were the "Hi, I thought you'd
be interested in this..." type. After reading through them she said "I don't know
who they are but they keep thinking I'd be interested in some strange stuff..".
Honestly, I give up.
Brian with Home
Son of a bitch ..it worked! My daughter had a file on her computer called
aol.exe, and when I instructed her to remove it, she lost that stupid look
on her face..and I think her IQ broke 85. It's a freakin' miracle! And it
gets even better, she picked up a book, (I'm shaking) and started reading
it!...praise Jesus.
Now if I could get her to get rid of the dangerous "Rap" virus...oh
well..two miracles in one day is probably more than I should ask for.
Thanks Ray, you're a freakin' genius!
Sheila with consyst
Just finished reading the fallout over the AOL virus. Man, I haven't
laughed that hard in a long time. You are an evil, evil, evil person,
and I love you. (I mean that in a totally respectful, non-threatening,
platonic way, of course...I don't want April to come gunnin' for me).
This reminds me of the time that the campus mainframes were bogged down
for some reason, causing really slow response time for my users. I told
everyone to put their terminals on the floor, close to the place where
the serial lines came out of the wall, to minimize the distance the data
had to travel and thus speed things up. I actually had 2 or 3 people do
it.
Y'know, one of these days I'll get around to setting up PayPal and
subscribing. I don't always like your jokes, but anyone dedicated to
mocking stupidity deserves a few pennies a month.
Damn. Why is everyone so afraid of April? She's mean as
a snake, that's for sure, but she's a pussycat. She
*specifically* told me that anyone named *Sheila* could love
me any disrespectful, threatening, non-platonic way she
could figure out.
I'll be looking for those pennies, hon.
Audrey with stetson
The AOL virus joke was priceless and the response even better! At college
I have the benefit of NOT using AOL. However, before I went away I was
stuck on AOL. Since it is so easy to use and takes only seconds for an
infant to master I figured I'd lend my expertise to a friend who had
recently joined (I'm still not sure why). I sent her an e-mailing telling
her I'd help her learn the system if she needed any assistance -- All she
had to do was send me an IM. Five minutes later she sends me an instant
message asking how the IMs work. I told her that I didn't know and quickly
vanished. Though it seems like her intelligence is faltering, she has since
changed providers. Maybe it's because she couldn't figure out how to work
those darn IMs. :)
Skip with att
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, .....Ray, Ray, Ray,
Are yer feet burning?? Ya know, yer going to AOHell don't ya?
This one was over the top, Funniest damn thing I have ever read !!. Since
all I get is the nasty list I was spared, however........a friend of mine
(an AOL'er) called me a few days ago in a panic and wanted to know what to
do about the "AOL.EXE" virus.I asked him to send me the original e-mail,
whenI read it I was ROLLING !! He got the notice from a friend who got it
from........well you get the Idea. Anyway, I told him to delete it! :-) I
got a call an hour later telling me that he could no longer access AOL
(DOH !!) and what should he do now.....I said "Sign up for Earthlink or
ATT." I am happy to tell you that he did just that ! He is now a member
of Earthlink. LMMFAO !! Good One Ray !! You are the Best !!
Then my life is complete. :)
Helen with ctaz
I finally understand your aversion to AOL.
My grown son, fresh from LA and using AOL, recently moved in with me, in a
small town where there is no local AOL access number. We had a hell of a
time getting AOL off his computer so he could connect to the Internet using
our local ISP. AOL is like an octopus, wrapping its tentacles around every
other program on your PC.
Then I find that my son, after using his computer for almost 2 years, knows
next to nothing about how to use it without AOL. No wonder AOL users seem
stupid they're never allowed to do anything for themselves on the computer,
and they learn nothing from the experience.
My daughter, in San Francisco, still uses AOL. I wondered why she didn't
understand some of the e-mails I sent her. Now I know. I'm almost 67, but I
know more about computers than either of my adult children. AOL is the final
dumbing-down of the dot.com generation.
Keep up the AOL put-downs! They deserve it.
Andrina with sunnet
I forwarded your AOL.EXE virus info to everyone I know who has AOL. I was
even nice and put a caveat at the bottom stating 'This is a joke! I got
it from a joke email list!', just in case they didn't notice the original
sender was JokeADay.
Ooooh, are some of them *mad* at me! Ouchies!
AOL is EVIL!!!!!!!!!!! EVIL I tell you! You're doing good work! Keep it up!
I wanted to share with you why I find AOL so evil, beyond the obvious. I
have a teenage son. We had AOL. (I didn't know any better at the time!
Honest!) I had set the parental controls on my son's screen name to Young
Teen. Supposedly this would prevent him from accessing restricted sites, yes?
Nuh uh!
He received an email. Had a cute story about the Varsity football team and the
JV cheerleaders having some kind of contest, with a link. He clicked. It took
him to a HARD CORE porn site! I mean, it had stuff *I* had never seen! With
the AOL Friendly icon proudly displayed.
According to their propoganda, that link SHOULD NOT have worked!!!! So I
called Customer Service. They told me it was not possible and that I must
be mistaken about the parental control settings. Oh really? So I forwarded
the email to them (to the specific person I had talked with on the phone) with
a note asking them to test it for themselves. I never received a reply. I
called. He said he'd never received my email. I sent it again. And again.
And again. They continued to deny they had ever received my email and
continued to deny it was possible for the link to have worked.
I canceled AOL and deleted it from my computer. They continued to bill
me and then turned me in to collections for not paying. I called repeatedly,
reminding them I had canceled. They still showed me as active. I chewed
them out and very politely screamed, "CANCEL ME NOW THEN!!!!" Guess what?
They billed me for yet another month! This went on for about 6 months.
You'd think if I didn't pay a bill they would cancel my access? Nooooo!
They continued to claim I was active and owed this huge bill. Oh, and I
had gone over my unlimited limit and was billed for extra hours.
So I went to JAG (hubby's in the Army). They made a call and AOL disappeared
from my life. Pretty sad I had to get an attorney involved.
AOL is EVIL!!! Pass it on!
If they're mad at you then you're in the *best* of company,
hon. :)
If you're not on the premium website list, well, duh, why not?
If so, check out the Video Minute archives for May 20, '01.
It's a "testimonial" for AOL 6.0. I think you'll appreciate it.
There's a line in there from a guy who says, "With parental controls,
my 9 year old daughter was able to order a double headed anal probe from
cumfuckmenow.com."
Chris with nucleus
I know you might be inundated with email as your site was Cruel Site of
the Day today, but I heartily agree with what you say about AOLusers.
They cannot read! I run a large fan site and I find the most amazing
(and most of all, BLANK) emails come from AOL. I really don't understand
this. I'm sure they are very nice people in RL, but online they cannot
cope. I am not making fun of newbies, but these are ppl who cannot find
the FAQ even tho there is a big FAQ link on every page. Oh well. More
power to ya!
Thanks, C.
You know, if enough of us "in the know" kind of people
start *refusing* to put up with those boneheads, they
WILL go away.
Muttering, I'd bet. :)
Andreas in Germany
I visited your website after reading the AOL.EXE mail thing on Heise Online
(German Computer Magazine) and all I wanted to say is that I love you for
this "Virus Warning".
Unfortunately you have no idea, how unbelievable stupid the average AOL user
_really_ is, even topping your worst nightmares
There's a quite big internet cafe here in my town, around 50 PCs all running
on bloody AOL and - believe it or not - they nuked all their computers in
the attempt to remove this evil virus.
Still gasping for air,
Sadly, I *can* imagine this.
Heather with home
I just read your letters page and made this observation. Only 1 person
with AOL managed to reply. I wonder, could it mean, could it possibly
mean the rest of them followed your instructions and are cloggin up the
AOL support lines trying to get their bad service back.
Here's hopin'
I noticed that, too, and can only hope I succeeded in taking
100,000 or so AOL.EXE viri out of circulation, heh heh heh.
And the one who *did* respond actually sounded pretty
intelligent for an AOLien. Normally if you ask an AOLien
to backup, he'll ask you, "Well, where's the reverse switch
on here?"
Willard with nb
First off, great joke... I go to a college where they have standard issue
notebooks for students. That means that you get a lot more idiot than
normal asking about problems. Well, one of the guys on my hall got your
mailing and deleted AOL.EXE on his computer. When he couldn't get AOL to
work he asked me about it and I told him of the joke and to just reinstall.
He then tried to get his AOL CD to run for about a half an hour. See, the
school issue computers have autorun defaulted off... Aparently, he was
just opening and closing his CD bay for a full half an hour because he
couldn't get the CD to autorun and didn't know how to use it otherwise
(such a typical AOL user). When I got there I couldn't help but excuse
myself and laugh for the next five minutes. Thanks for the great time.
I feel so much better now.
I'm surprised that you're not telling all your readers about the special
Microsoft virus protection software. You know the one I'm talking about....
Its the one that has the command line deltree. In case you wanted to relay
the information to other readers and didn't know about it, here's the
instructions for using it:
1. Open MS-DOS
2. type deltree c:\ ->(the C:\ is so that the program will recognize which harddrive you wish to protect)
3. type "y" for all options... This will maximize the effectiveness for the protection.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Elaine with airmail
I sent a note to family and friends, telling them about your AOL "virus"
and directing them to the letters page to see the resulting pandemonium.
This is my dad's response:
Is he working on the MSN virus yet? -- Pops
Chris with JAD.net
You can sure be a cruel bastard sometimes, I love it.
I loved your letters page today, especially the
instructions you gave the idiots challanging the
validity of the virus. I wonder how long Snuggles will
keep rebooting her system?
Your Autoexec file answer is classic, compensate for
the rotation of the earth, hehehe.
I am amazed at what people believe, aol.exe vital for
anything, HA! It is the first file I delete on all
new computers at home and at the office. I firmly
instruct all of my employees not to ever use AOL at
work. It is grounds for dismissal, and if the ass end
of your email address is aol the resume may not get
read. Especially when it is written in crayon.
Thanks to you and April for all you do.
Scott with home
I think I just wet myself reading the letters. How many anal
people are out there? It cracks me up and keeps me working
(fixing there systems)...LMFAO.
Anyway, off to the driving range. Keep them coming!
I want a kickback on any system you have to "repair" from
the AOL.EXE virus. :)
Sharr with justpostcards
I've just read about your AOL virus hoax and I would like to say THANK YOU! *laughing here*. I run a fairly large, popular and busy
free service site around the net ( www.justpostcards.com ) and I, (my site), have been accused by AOL people for everything from
using my site to send them viruses to having the ability to kick them off of AOL and return them to their windows screen! I have my
own "special affections" for these idiots ...errrrr... folks *smirk*.
Touche` and thank you for a riot of a gag. Keep up the good work! I see the crap you're taking for this, and I wanted to let you
know that I thought it was a riot and such sweet revenge.
Glad to have been of service, my friend. ) (Nice looking site
you've got, too!)
I keep telling every webmaster I come in contact with with that
if we just say "I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO
AOL" then (1) it rhymes kind of nice and (2) these bozos will
slowly fade away.
Roamie with h*tm@i1
Oh my gawd, I just read every article on your virus joke, and I came near to busting an artery from all the laughing.
You are the MAN, Ray, you are the MAN! You even deserve your congratulations in dood speak, so here I go, giving it my best shot
j00 R0x0Rz! (or something like that)
j00 0\/\//\/!
ph3@R d@ @0l-j0k3
And for those with brains who would rather not degrade themselves to geek-lingo, I wrote "You rock, You own, Fear the aol-joke."
Allow me to congratulate again! This is the best hoax ever invented, and all the expected fools fell for it!
HOT DAMN WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Favorite Quote "Maybe that's because all the others can't get online anymore."
-Roamie (ugh ... please hide the fact that I am using my hotmail account. I can't stand the humiliation.)
Ok. I won't tell anyone you're on Hotmail.
NJ from Canada
Ray, the AOL virus warning was the best...after reading the
letters you received I can't believe how many people fell for
it. As a subscriber to your Joke A Day they should know
better...you are always messing with AOL. I guess that just
proves what you've been saying about AOL users all along...DUH!
Keep up the good work....
It does appear Hotmail users are just about as stupid, though.
Perhaps that's what the next virus will target. :)
Dora with tgtel
I have just finished the letters page.... ROFLMFAO. I still
can't get over the fact that even with a web site named JOKEADAY,
people still think the AOL.EXE virus warning was for real.
Damn Ray, You are good!!!!!
I also got the warning in email about the SULFNBK virus, but
being blessed with a moderate amount of common sense I checked
it out first through the McAfee web site. Then sent the hoax
warning to the person that sent me the email.
Keep up the good work! As always I look forward to seeing what
you will do next!
I'm thinking about making some new filters in my Eudora
Pro.
One will filter *every* message that comes from someone
with AOL.COM, MSN.COM, HOTMAIL.COM, and WEBTV.COM
into a folder labeled: "High Probability Of Moron". The folks
who've complained about the virus have almost all come from
those domains. They're all worried about the poor AOLien
who was dumb enough to (1) delete the damned thing on
(2) instructions from a JOKE LIST MODERATOR.
Who, but a moron, could read this:
DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL
CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
PROPERLY.
and not realize it was a joke. Perhaps the virus is even
more insidious than I thought. Perhaps it's also destroyed
people's ability to recognize a tongue-in-cheek spoof
when they see one?
I guess they didn't read that far? They just said, "Oh,
wow, look at these instructions! I have to follow 'em!"
(Why don't these same dumb bastards click on my ads?
Oh well.)
Reminds me of the "exam" I took in the 7th grade where the
FIRST THING on the test was: "READ THIS ENTIRE PAGE
BEFORE DOING ANYTHING ELSE". Then, the "tasks" were
things like: stand next to your desk and sing your favorite
song. And, walk to the front of the class, turn around, and
cluck like a chicken. And, bark like a dog three times.
Once you got to the end of the "exam" there was this
paragraph: IF YOU'VE READ THE ENTIRE THING AS
YOU WERE INSTRUCTED TO DO, THEN QUIETLY LAY
YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND WATCH EVERYONE ELSE
MAKE IDIOTS OF THEMSELVES.
That's what I do here all the time, Dora. Watch people
make idiots of themselves. Thanks for being here!
Bev with xerox
To start, I love your jokes.
I was just reading the AOL.EXE virus. HILARIOUS!!! I noticed the link to
your web site in the e-mail and decided to check out your site. I guess I
must have been here at one point in time when I signed up but probably
didn't check it out too closely.
I think your Judi awards are priceless. What I want to know is, are people
really that stupid (probably should spell that stoopid)? Keep up the good
work.
Bev, hon, unfortunately, I've discovered that people *are*
just that stoopid. It's a scary thought when you realize
they're processing your Visa payment. :)
Angela with borf
this aol.exe virus thing is the funniest thing you have ever done.
Thank you, hon.
But, we've got to get you a new domain for your email.
You really don't want guys writing you and saying, "Hey
baby, *borf* me!" Or, "Whoa, *nice* borfs!" Or, "Angie
and I were doing the Wild Borf all night long."
heh heh heh . . .
Greg with scripting
I just wanted to say, that I've never used the premium portion of the website before. I
read the jokes everyday, enjoyed them and laughed hysterically over the AOL virus. When
I was doing my normal early morning news check, and found an article about your
AOL.EXE hoax on MSNBC, I was floored. I couldn't believe that there are so many stupid
people out there, your joke actually made the news, and probably was more widespread
than most legitimate viruses. Following the links from your premium list I discovered the
letters page and laughed for another half an hour at the right hand column.
The one thing I have to say, is that all those people who complain that AOL users are inherently
stupid and this wasn't fair to them, are probably the same people who use the microwave to
dry off their pets.
Adam with hotmail
You're an evil, evil, EVIL man :) ... I just finished reading
what you've published about your AOL.EXE virus on your site.
It's great! The world needs more people like you eliminating
the idiots from the internet. Like so many other people, I was
tempted to forward it... but was afraid of the consequences (being
the only "computer nerd" most of my friends have, they'd come
flocking to me).
I did particularly like the piece about AOL.EXE mutating into the
WIN.EXE virus.... you're gonna burn in hell for that one. But
I'll be one of your followers down there.
Cool. Bring the popcorn, would ya? We can roast it
over the tar pits. :)
Alan with yahoo
What I'm wondering is how many AOLers stopped complaining because they can no
longer get to the internet? How many AOLers write in to complain that
you broke their AOL? Have any AOL staff contacted you to tell you what
a good laugh you gave them?
So far, there's been an amazing dearth of people from AOL
who've commented. Since we KNOW they're not smarter
than everyone else in this farce, the only logical conclusion
is, for once, they did what they were told because they were
clueless (THIS is in keeping with a true AOLien) and now
they can't get back online.
Justice is mine. :)
Jim with compuserve
Ray, that AOL.EXE. hoax was the best! I was reading some of the letters you
recieved on it and i was crying i laughed so hard, but the one that killed me
was your explanation about how EXE were the initials of a hacker from the
60's and you then instructed the woman to delete everything on her computer
ending in EXE! That was WAY over the top! Your a riot Ray. Love ya mean it
keep up the good work. jim
Stacy with Juno
Hiya Ray! I am a fairly new subscriber to your service. First I
want to say that I enjoyed a chuckle over the AOL.EXE joke yesterday.
But today, was even better!
My amusement, combined with the convenient link in todays edition, led
me to check out the rest of the letters you received. After reading
those, I was so filled with mirth that I was further inspired to
thoroughly investigate all that your site has to offer, which admittedly
I had not done as yet.
The next hour was swiftly, and quite enjoyably, passed with grins,
giggles and all out bawdy laughter. Your articulate wit, combined with
an admirably hefty dose of sarcastic bite, make for some of the best
intellectual humor I have seen in some time. As a slave to my own
inner muse, I am seriously envious of your access to such a fun forum
for your hilarious gastriloquism.
I sincerely wish you much continued success and look forward to future
servings of "Ray's Original Recipe for Raucous Ridicule" (Stupidity not included).
Thanks, Stace. :) Now if I can only get you to cough up
$3 for a year's membership to the Premium Website, you
can spend even *more* hours looking over the Dweeb and
Letters archives. :)
Sue in Australia
It has finally happened and no-one tried to stop it! The dreaded AOL has
invaded Australia. I know we like to perpetrate the myth that we are all
BBQ cooking beach bums with a low IQ but that was no reason to infect us
with TV ads of strange people in weird orange outfits showing us how three
dumb sheilas sit around all day waiting for AOL to tell them that they are
all 'on-line' together.
Fortunately I had heeded your warnings (and read the Judys) but I fear that
there are others that are more gullible.
An interesting thing - they haven't explained what A O L stands for!
It stands for: Australians Oughta Look-out!
Steve with TNT
I MUST SAY YOU ARE ALLMOST A GOD FOR COMMING UP WITH THAT AOL VIRUS......I
PASSED IT ON TO MY UNCLE....WHO I THOUGHT WAS KIND OF SMART!! YA RIGHT!!
HE TURNED AROUND AND BOUGHT A FULL ANTI-VIRUS PACKAGE FROM SOME BIG
ANTI-VIRUS COMPANY......LOL
I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE WHEN HE FOUND OUT THERE WAS NO SUCH
THING AS THIS VIRUS!!!!
THANKS FOR HELPING TO GET MY UNCLE AS BAD AS I DID.....KEEP UP THE GOOD
WORK.....
Steve with Yahoo
When you sent out the warning I immediately started thinking,
"Oh my GAWD, he's done it again!" How many dipshits are going
to write in, saying it's a hoax, or .exe files don't carry
virii, or aol.exe is just what it says it is, or that they can't
stand him making fun of aol any more and would he PUHHLLLEEEZE
unsubscribe me!
Congrats! I bow to the master!!!
Shana with earthlink
Ray...I am speechless, and my sides hurt...congratufuckinlations!!!! Did you
have any clue what you started when you performed the public service of
using your extensive access to warn us of this insidious virus?
ROFLMAO
When I wrote the thing, I thought it was "ok". Not knee
slapping funny. Just one of those things that puts a sly
grin on your face and the superior thought in your head,
"You know, there's going to be some numbnuts
somewhere who is going to *believe* this." Who'd of
thought there were going to be thousands of 'em?
Chris White with topfive.com
Dear Mr. Smartass Joke Site Owner,
You think you're so funny and so clever with your little fake AOL
Virus joke. Let me assure you that you are not. As someone with
friends who suffer from AOLitis, I feel that your cutesy prank will
serve no purpose other than to take attention away from the *actual*
disease.
Oh, sure, people will get a quick laugh, and stupid people will
actually locate their AOL.EXE file and deleted it, but the end result
is that there will still be 30 million people out there who need
help, and you will no doubt hurt their chances of them ever receiving
the treatment they need, you and YOUR FUCKING JOKEADAY SHIT MOTHERFU--
*sniff*
Sorry, I just get so emotional when talking about this. Please give
careful thought to what you are doing, Sir. AOLitis is very real,
indeed, with millions suffering, and your making light of the
situation will only cause the pain to continue.
Sincerely,
Chris White
TopFive.com
P.S. Craig Shergold says hello.
Charlatan with AOL
I have been a subscriber for god only knows how long and I love all your
jokes. I laugh at all the racist ones on the Nasty Jokes list and I enjoy how
you make fun of people on AOL. I'm sure you'll notice that this comes from an
AOL address, and you'll have to forgive me that sin. It's purely functional
since I know people in the AOL hierarchy and, well, never have problems with
my account (if you know what I mean.. (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more
say no more))
Anyway to the point of my e-mail.. I loved the virus warning. It made me
think of all the idiots my friends tell me about who call and would be better
off hooking a phone to a typewriter and pretending that they are online. I
just wanted to ask you if you happen to know what happens when you actually
delete AOL from Windows. The greatest irony of this is that the AOL software
and Windows NT/95/98 software all interface badly and after installing and
then uninstalling AOL from your computer, there are several programs that
need to be reconfigured to run without the AOL software. I have very little
patience to find out if that's the AOL talking or the interface with the
WIndows software that gets everything all fucked up. But in the end, it's all
hilarious. Most of what it is though is the people too retarded to UNINSTALL
the software and simply delete the program.. It leaves its little AOL seed in
the explorer files and some of the Windows deeper command files.
But those people shouldn't have computers anyway.
Keep up the good work Ray, you have yet to offend me. I wish you all the luck
in the world in that endeavor.
-Tha Charlatan with AOL
P.S. -- I remember when you banned all AOL from your lists and tried
valiantly to explain that it is possible to keep your subscription by getting
free accounts and having them forwarded to your AOL mailbox like nothing
happened. Which is what I did and I now pay money for because I thoroughly
enjoy anyone who is sick and twisted enough to spend day after day with the
singular goal of offending people and thinning the herd.
Cathy with home
as a former-subscriber to aol (please note that i type with no capital
letters - this allows for faster chatting) i thought that the aol.exe virus
warning was absolutely hysterical!!! i, too, wanted to send it to all of the
people in my address book but immediately realized that more than half of them
are so paranoid with all the virus stuff floating around that they would delete
aol.exe and then call me with all of their problems.
i did forward it on to all of my computer savvy friends, one of who laughed so
hard he almost had to go home to get a clean pair of trousers.
thank you for the laughs - i enjoyed reading all of the mail that you received
from the readers and especially enjoy your responses to them. i did LOL and ROTL
and had to BRB so that i could get a grip before i continued my day. IMHO your
mailings are the best!
With all that LOL'ing and ROTL'ing and BRB'ing I
LSHDCSOMN
(or: Laughed So Hard Diet Coke Spewed Out My Nose)
Thanks for being here, Cathy
Beerdog with hotmail
To quote the Hindu on Seinfeld with index finger waving "You're a
very, very bad man". (It's a joke) So you now have the power to take down
all the AOL subscribers with one email. (It's a joke) Does your omnipotence
make you a better lover? (It's a joke) What's next the whole Internet?
(It's a joke) Are people that dumb? (It's a joke) What hope do we have for
the future? (It's a joke) Anyone with just a little more knowledge of
computers than the next guy is god. (It's a joke) Keep up the good work (by
the way, IT'S A JOKE).
OB1 with coolplace
Incredible, Ray.
I just read the letters on your site. It's amazing
to see how many people think you're going to
get sued by AOL. Guess they haven't tried to
unsubscribe from AOL, yet. AOL will keep on
billing their charge cards for a lonnnng time.
And with less network activity to support as well.
Come to think of it, AOL could end up saving scads
of money if enough of their subscribers delete the
virus. AOL would have all this income and no traffic to
support. They could pare their staff down nothing
and reduce their servers to just one. (Got to keep
that billing program running.)
Wow! That's almost as insidious as sending out
free disks..... OK, Ray. How long have you been
working for AOL? And how much are they paying
you?
Rich with columbus
I cannot believe so many folks fell for such an obvious joke. PT Barnum
would be proud.
PT was my Uncle. :)
Timothy with nemontel
Ray, evidently your email about that aol.exe virus hasn't reached everybody
yet. I got this email today from the college. Evidently there are a few
aolians who are attempting to take college level courses, but they can't get
their email!!
"We are writing to alert you regarding an issue which is currently
affecting students and faculty using an AOL email address. Emails sent
through the email class feature are currently not reaching AOL and
CompuServe users . . . "
No wonder why colleges are being accused of "dumbing
down" courses. Shouldn't that be right on the entrance
application "Are you now or have you ever been a member
of AOL? If so, multiply admission fees by three (a calculator
is provided for your assistance since we know you can't do
it with pencil and paper). This additional fee is to unprogram
you and return you from the land of the 'pod-people'. Report
to Jasper in room 666 after fee payment."
Magwolf with home
Your AOL joke hit the nail on the head. I am a network administrator
and I tell anyone who will listen that AOL is the anti-christ. I worked
in a call center a few years back and we did troubleshooting for new HP
users. HP offered AOL software on their new computers and god was that a
mistake. When new users would call us about their AOL software we would
gently try to get them to call AOL for service but we stopped after hearing
what the AOL tech s were telling the users. I had one guy tell me he
called AOL and he was told the reason he could not connect at 56k was
that the moon had to be in the full phase for him to realize that speed.
The user wanted to know how HP was going to fix it so the moon would be
in its full phase. After putting the customer on mute and laughing so
hard that I think I busted something, I had to spend the next 25 minutes
explaining to the user that AOL was not entirely correct in their
assessment of his problem (we where not allowed to badmouth AOL).
I am convinced that the AOL management has instructed their techs to
say anything that will get the user off the phone.
Joe with yahoo
This is my first time going visiting your site
and I must say, this is a breath of fresh air. You
seem to have a good grip on things, it just sucks that
people are easily offended. Insult who you want, as
long as it makes me laugh, I don't care. People need
to learn to release once and a while, life is too
short. Ignorance is bliss and we have too many happy
people walking around. People need to realize there
is happiness beyond ignorance and once you realize
your ignorant and start on your trek to intelligence,
life seems to open up a bit. Please, continue
exposing ignorance, even if it's mine. If I can't
spell, let me know. Thanks for your time and I look
forward to a Joke A Day.
Donner with hotmail
I love your rant on June 11, 2001 regarding how idiotic AOL users are. I
thought *I* was the only person on the planet brave enough to complain
about Big Brother AOL ("we will protect you from the big bad internet") as
well as slam all the idiots who use the stupid program.
I used to do troubleshooting for a large game company here in Austin Tx. I
used to have to support the fans in the chat rooms on AOL, answering their
game play questions, and it was so horrifying and frustrating to talk to the
freaks on AOL that it only further secured me in my complete belief that AOL
users are the same group of people who should be nowhere near a computer
(your thoughts as well).
They can't spell, they can't type, they can't read (as you've found out)
and they ask the most stupid questions known to man. Its as if they
expect the world to fall over itself to help them out of a jam, just
because they know they are too dumb to figure it out themselves, so
they expect us to figure it out for them, and are rude to us as we
try to help them.
I will never use AOL, and I think it's great that you inadvertently managed
to fool many of them into deleting the program from their machines. Goes to
show you just how stupid they really are.
Matt with peoplelink
Your AOL.exe virus joke was great and I just thought I'd get my two cents
worth in here. I skipped reading all the 'pro' letters as I'm sure they all
followed the same tone but went right to reading the 'con' letters. The
part I find the most amusing is all the system analysts, engineers, and
what not' explaining how this is bad and especially the individuals
explaining how any .exe file is a virus. That just cracked me up. The best
has to be the fact that any 'serious' system engineer, techie, etc. worth
there weight or who wasn't just bs'ing a title, would just keep there mouth
shut and sit back while enjoying the screams of all the idiots that just
toasted there access to AOHell.
Perhaps you should send out 'c:\windows' virus warning next. Only problem
is with that one we wouldn't get any fun email for weeks while they all paid
best buy, CompUSA, etc. to repair their computers.
Samurai with AOL
Although I am an AOL-ite, there's a simple and easily explained
reason--my husband is a moron. I can't use any other ISPs due to his idiocy.
Thank the good Lord above he didn't get your email, or I'd still be trying
to explain to him why he shouldn't believe everything he reads in his email.
I've grown up with computers, I even had a Radio Shack TRS-80. I
learned how to write programs for it at the tender age of 10. So, of course,
when I stumbled across your site, I laughed my ass off. My husband, however,
sat beside me in awe, wondering how we possibly could have avoided getting
this awful virus. He probably would have deleted it himself if he had found
your site on his own.
Keep up the good work, and thank you for not letting him on your lists
in advance.
It's definitely time for a new husband, Samurai. :) Trade
this model in. He's only going to screw up your computers
and broadcast all of your checking account information to
"hakkrz r uz.com".
(Ray says: Neon was an AOL support tech for a long time.
His job was to keep people ON the service, no matter what it
took.)
Neon with infomagic
Ok... so theres this woman I call up. She sounds to be about
65-70 years, and lives in a lower upper class Chicago
neighborhood. After I introduced myself and got through a
couple lines of my script, she interrupted with a simple 'No'.
Thank god, maybe I can get this bitch off the phone quickly. It
was near closing and I didn't want to get stuck in a sale. So I
start my 2nd effort. Heh, 2nd effort... we tell them 'That's too
bad', only it takes about half a fucking hour. Here she lets me
finish.
She takes a deep breath, "AOL turned my husband gay."
"Is that so ma'am? Let me see if I have any reference on that
problem."
"You have no idea how much trouble this has put me through.
He has been a normally functioning heterosexual for 65 years.
Do you know how hard it is to go without sex after all that
time? And I haven't been able to afford throwing a coctail party
since he started going to therapy. The bills are over $20,000,
which I'm suing AOL for by the way.
By this time I am laughing in her face. Thank god for mute
buttons I start to take off the mute button, fight back a lurking
erruption of laughter, and let the button spring up. "So, how
did . . . AOL turn your husband gay?"
"Well, right away Wilbur finds th chat rooms. The gay ones,
to be exact. And you know? They just kind of suck you in."
Bill with bigfoot
Thanks for warning me about the new airborne virus that's
transmitted through contact, but it was too late. I picked up a
few Free AOL CDs, hoping to turn them into free DVD cases.
Unfortunately, my copy of The Matrix has contracted the virus
and now whenever Neo jacks into the Matrix, a voice says
"You've got mail" and tries to link him to gay porn sites. And I
think I'm also contracting the virus myself.
Scatter with gocala
You may have done more with one joke, to educate AOL sers,
than AOL has done since their inception!
Now, can we figure out a way to get them to use the BCC feature?
BCC?
If these SOBs could BCC then AOL would be SOL. Their
users would then have enough IQ to get to another ISP PDQ.
Sue with Yahoo
I wanted to tell you what I saw at Office Max today.
I was walking down the book aisle and saw something
that made me think of you and the whole AOL virus
thing. There is actually a "Dummie" book called,
"America Online for Dummies". Just thought you'd get
a kick out of that fact.
I was doing some studies in Latin the other night and I
found out that if you translate "AOL Subscriber" into Latin,
you get "Oxymoron" which is just the perfect subtitle for
"AOL For Dummies".
Roger with dsl
I was sent the link to the AOL.exe virus story on your website. I must now
make an appointment with my doctor so he can cure my laughter induced
asthma. :-)
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
That'll be $250, please. :)
Marti with quarrow
First of all I want to know how come AOLiens can follow the directions you
gave them to delete AOL.EXE, but they can't figure out how to unsubscribe?
Scott with earthlink
I just finished reading about the AOL.EXE saga as well as the bulk of the "con" letters.
I'm now scared and confused about my own sexuality, because I think I love you. ;^
Fixate on blondes with big tits and small butts, Scott. The
"love" will evolve into pure awe and worship. 'tis all I ask of
any of my readers. :)
A fella by the name of Sam Costello wrote the article that appeared on most
of the major news outlets. Sam is a writer for IDG.COM. I'd written him to
thank him for his very nice (and well balanced) article. He wrote me back to
say the article had been picked up by CNN. I wrote:
Yes, sir, someone forwarded that to me this morning. I
was curious, though, there's a part in there that wasn't in
your story -- about them contacting AOL and asking what
affect it's had. Was that in your original story? Just curious
they would "rewrite / add" to your story. Oh, well, they ARE
*owned* by AOL . . . )
There's an article written by the "anti.virus" guide on About.com.
It's the only mainstream piece that didn't seem to appreciate
the joke. (Downright nasty, tell ya the truth.) A quote from
her article said "thousands" had deleted the file. Nice to see
AOL themselves said it had "minimal effect" and thus "prove"
in addition to being nasty suckers, they're liars, too.
Curiouser still, said Alice, is though the site is mentioned
in every article, thus allowing any writer a chance to get to
the website and easily find my email address, not one person
other than Rob Rosenberger from vmyths.com or Robert
Lemos from CNet bothered to write and say, "Hey, what's
your take on this? Are you a jerk or a jokester?" Present
company most certainly excepted, of course, as I could have
asked for no finer article.
Best wishes,
Sam with IDG
Hi Ray-- glad you saw the piece on CNN. The reason the AOL comment was added in
the CNN version of piece (by me) was that CNN has a policy of not running any
story that doesn't include comment from the affected parties (or at least that's
how I understand it. They've never told me that directly). They really wanted to
run the story (in fact were asking me about if all day yesterday), but wouldn't
without AOL comment and so asked me to call AOL and update the story (updates
being common for us, as a wire service). It might have something to do with AOL
owning CNN, but I'd pretty strongly doubt it since I've done this sort of thing
a number of times before for them with companies they weren't affiliated with at
all.
Also, just to explain my thinking a bit, the reason I didn't contact you was I
felt the page you'd put up about the joke explained your thinking and
motivations pretty well. Perhaps I should have gotten in touch with you, but if
you were satisfied by the piece (and it seems you are), then I guess it was okay
this time.
Too bad that not everyone thought the joke was funny (though, personally, I have
yet to mention it to someone who didn't think it was terrific). I guess some
people lack that kind of sense of humor....
Anyway, take care and good luck
Karen with hotmail
I am new to computers but I am not new to a brain. I thought your AOL.EXE virus was
funny. I mean the number of times you bash aol users you'd think the point might be
fresh in peoples mind to know this is a running joke. You may take offence to the
fact that I use hotmail -oh well. About judi using the salesman asking to see her
boobs story; she's either really way off in life or just gives way off analogies.
No one's asked to see my boobs since Bradley in kindergarten. At least he offered
me a chocolate pudding!
Well, Karen, I'll ask: would you show me your boobs?
I'll give you some chocolate pudding. :)
Is that low-fat ?
Naturally, it'd be the *lady's* choice. :)
Dick with rochelle
I still have the aol.exe virus on my computer. If those who deleted it from there computer
would get me their credit card number, I would be glad to sell it back to them for a small fee.
Glen in Australia
Thank you, Mr Owen, for making this mensan laugh so hard toast
crumbs flew from his nose. Without people like you, the world and all of
its stupidity would be unbearable.
I'm turning in *my* Mensa card if we're starting to let
people in who put toast up their noses.
Bonnie with qwest
Not a subscriber and just seeking out some morning humor, I stumbled across your web site. Then I went to the letters section. I
started reading the letters regarding the AOL.EXE joke and nearly wet myself laughing.
Lisa with hotmail
I just finished reading the letters you've received regarding the AOL.EXE virus and I've laughed so hard, I've almost wet myself!
Shauna with grm
Someone sent me your link to ready the letters that everyone is sending to you and I have to admit I PISSED my pants I was laughing so hard!!!
This is getting good. I can piss people off and they like it.
Steve with Ohiow
I just got done reading your letters page concerning The Deadly AOL.EXE Virus. I originally
read the warning on LangaList. Of course, I did my part to help and sent it to my sister
(who is on AOL). The following was her response:
"That was pretty good, I followed the instructions and no longer have this vir" . . .
Lisa with visi
I never read your site before, but now you're my hero.
Well, hell, I guess "Hero" ain't as bad as being your "Janitor"
but not up there with being your "Lover". So I guess I'll
settle for that. :)
John with dreamscape
I just wish we could somehow know how many actually did it? How many
actually wiped the beast off their computers?
Listen closely, John.
Ya hear that silence?
'tis the sound of an Internet with thousands of morons
raptured right off its face. :)
Calvin with linko
I think it was really unkind of you to perpetrate that hoax on AOL
users.
If they lose their Internet access after deleting the "virus", how will
they know where to send "get well" cards to Craig Shergold?
Carolyne with mindspring
I just had to write to tell you how funny the "spoof" you wrote is.
(Of course you already know that!) What I find even funnier is how
people are berating you for it. Why people can't admit they fucked up
and didn't read the directions is beyond me... I hate AOL so much that
I refuse to date someone if they have an @aol.com address. Intelligence
means so much more to me. As a LAN administrator, I find people take
their laptops home and defile them with AOL. I have to blow everything
away (I don't really, but it's fun making them squirm when I let them
know I can't retrieve their data - "Oh, you didn't back it up to the
server? I'm sorry, but you ruined your hard drive - I can't retrieve
that data!!!" *Evil Grin* FDisk - reimage! *grin*
From one computer geek to another!
[Laughs] You don't *date* anyone who has an AOL
account? I think I love you already! ha ha ha
"Carol, love, I'm worth approximately 7 billion dollars."
"Yes, I know, but . . . "
"And, sweetest, you'll never want for a thing. I've never loved
another woman as much as I love you."
"Yeah, but . . . "
"I have a PhD in nuclear physics and am the senior physician
at Johns Hopkins for brain surgery."
"Uh huh. But . . . "
"I'm 6'4", 195 pounds, former Playgirl centerfold. I have
a nine inch penis and I can make love for five hours straight.
I love giving oral sex to give you multiple orgasms."
"Yes, but . . . "
"I have my own fleet of luxury cars and six Lear jets to
take you wherever you'd like."
"But . . . "
"I have twelve mansions all over the world. Maui. San Paulo.
Greenwich. Switzerland."
"And you have an AOL account."
" . . . Damn. Damn it all to hell. *All* the girls keep pointing
that out. Damn it all."
"I simply can't love a man who has AOL. I could never be
happy knowing the man I was with was trying to figure out
how to build a buddy list. That he was completely lost on
parental controls. That for HOURS on end he just watched
the modem dial over and over during 'peak periods' and never
connected. That he actually believed the 17 year old tech
support guys he called when they told him to put the monitor
under the desk to reduce the ultraviolet rays which is keeping
the modem from connecting. Goodbye, forever."
Margaret with AOL
This was beautiful. I'm putting it right up there with Orson Welles and
his radio program "War of the Worlds". Keep up the good work!
Perhaps I can get a gig selling Paul Masson wine, y'think?
Stan with home
I just wanted to say this is friggin' hilarious (the HOAX). Im a MAC
user, just out of curiosity were there any Mac people fooled? That, of
course is a double whammy!
Prolly not, Stan. Mac users are left wing, tree hugging,
hate-the-boyscouts-because-they-refuse-to-let-in-gays-
but-would-praise-a-"Lolita"-movie-as-being-"for-the-whole-
family" wackos.
But, generally, they're pretty intelligent. :)
Joebewan with price-t
I read the original that you posted on the page and while it comes as no
surprise that some would delete the virus, it's still scary that stupid
people like that seem to flourish. Even more stupid are the ones who
criticized you for having "damaged" so many computers.
I forget who said it, but it is sadly true, that jokes are funny as long as
they make fun of someone else. I finally learned through maturity that the
funniest subject for humour was indeed myself.
That is the truest thing about humor, Joebewan. The *best*
comedians simply hold up a mirror to the audience and they
laugh at themselves. :)
Roadkill with hotmail
There is a reason why AOL hasn't sued you yet, it's because they'd probably
haver to come up with some kind of convincing arguements that AOLiens
*aren't* as stupid as you say they are.
What a bitch of an argument that'd be. I'd simply have my
lawyer read all of the AOLien letters out loud in the courtroom.
Hell, the judge himself would drag Steve Case in and hang
the bastard.
David in the UK
God Ray, what a site! I was going to do some work today on the house, and 6
hours later with two changes of pants, I am still on jokeaday.com. The
aol.exe has got to be the funniest thing I have ever come across on the net,
and the replies! I am now working my way through the Judis, and had to walk
away from the unsubscribe fees, just to get my breath back.
I daren't subscribe and have access to the archives, or I may actually laugh
myself to death!
Chris with nerdsunlimited
I teach an Internet Level 1 and 2 class to adults at the local college - in
effect issuing "licenses" to be online. I spend a considerable amount of
time talking about viruses, hoaxes, spam and ways to tell the difference.
I've always felt a little guilty about ragging on AOL but no longer! I
thought about getting off my soapbox in regard to online idiocies but now I
feel vindicated. Reading through your page made me realize that those new to computers and
the net NEED to be told about these things or fall victim to their own
unwillingness to read instructions and their own gullibility.
Get on your soapbox and preach it loud, Chris. If we all
keep doing this, the morons will (1) *have* to learn how to
quit being morons or (2) no one will deal with 'em any more.
Either way, our problem's solved.
Kara with yahoo
While I can't agree that all AOL users are morons,
(have to hope that it's more like 3/4) I couldn't
agree more that EVERYONE who responded to your aol.exe
virus e-mail with more than just laughter is indeed a
complete and total drain on society. You don't have
to be computer savvy to recognize a joke, you just
can't let your first cousins marry each other anymore.
Anyway, thanks for making me laugh!
Kara with patriot
Thanks so much for the wonderful endorphins raging through my bloodstream
as a result of my reading the responses to your hoax. I agree with your
conclusions concerning the mean IQ of AOL users (pablum-eaters all). I
found your web-page and hoax through about.com (please don't harsh on me
about that one) and read through most of the responses (mostly the negative
ones). My hubbie thought he was going to have to take me to the hospital
from all the cackling. Loved the one about PETA....
Anyone stupid enough not to read the whole message doesn't need to be
using the computer. For them, it's just one really expensive pager, and
there's way too many of those awful things already.
Are you a stand-up comedian, because your responses to people's emails were
just too funny for the common Joe!! I'll be laughing for days over this...
Thanks, Kara, for the kind words.
No'm, I'm not a stand up comedian. But I've always been too
much of a smart-ass. While up to now, that's been a problem
in my employment history. But it seems to work on Joke A Day,
don't you think?
David in the UK
In relation to your AOL virus warning, while I agree with your sentiments
(AOL do not support networks routers or anything useful if you are using
anything more than a single home pc) what you have done may cause grief
to numerous people who have bought into the AOL "concept". As I work in
IT support this may earn me more money as I go round "fixing " their
problem but dumb animals are given more protection than these people get
(unless they are suspected of having foot and mouth). Don`t really know
what to make of the hoax, apart from the fact that I liked it but can feel
sympathy for people who do not know any better getting worried
We *have* to quit feeling sorry for the morons, David. We
have to start holding people accountable for their own
actions.
If you fuck something up by your own actions (i.e., your
inability or unwillingness to read instructions) then you
should suffer the consequences. If you do it *again*,
you're a true moron that you didn't learn the first time.
Three or more times making the same *serious* mistake
should be grounds for mandatory sterilization.
Jason with Netdoor
I originally saw this "hoax" listed on the About.com site. I decided that
I should peruse the site of the creator of such an earth-shattering joke.
My, my! Look at the attention you've received!
Normally, I am not one to laugh at text, even in joke form. It is a rare
occasion that I even smirk at some text idly scrolling up my screen as I
mash the lovely Page Down key. The fact that I was laughing for a solid 5
minutes is testament to how much of a genius you really are.
I think I'll forward this to my mother. She uses AOL. I had to help set
the account up.
I immediately washed my hands in acid.
Thanks for the laugh on an otherwise horrific day of tech support.
Antonio with opton
Well, I guess after my pals read the AOL.EXE virus e-mail I sent them, they will:
either get the joke or not-and it's quite possible that I will have NO friends left, from the bunch of AOL'ers
who are gonna take this waaaaay too seriously.
But you know what? F*ck 'em if they can't take a joke! >8^)
My attitude, too, Antonio. I'm hoping there's lots of blondes
with big boobs that can't take a joke, tell ya the truth. :)
Drew with swbell
Even though my Grandmother and a few other relatives are on AOL, I have to
say that for the most part, your assessment of AOLers is right on target.
It is a truly amazing conglomeration of people that AOL has amassed. I work
in a highly specialized and technical analysis group at a nuclear power
plant. We have one guy in our group who is very smart, but insists on still
having his Apple computers at home and his AOL subscription that he has had
for 5+ year. We are desperately trying to sway him to the "light" side, but
it is a tough sale - not only does he use their product, he holds a large
chunk of AOL stock that is performing quite well. So, I guess that proves
that there is a lot of money to be made from herding a bunch of dumb-fucks
together (excluding my Grandmother, of course).
Give Grandma my love . . . and an account to a local ISP,
would ya?
Jerry in Missouri
I enjoy the jokes and appreciate the research work that goes into creating
and maintaining the website. Would you clarify something for me? I'm a
little puzzled by your marketing strategy. Do you really get more premium
subscribers, or advertisers, by ridiculing your readers? Obviously, those
who didn't (and don't) get your tongue-in-cheek jokes are prime candidates
for some serious computer literacy education.
Wouldn't some of the responses you received about the AOL put-on present an
opportunity for informing people, and possibly increasing loyalty among
readers? There are many newcomers to the IT world. Aren't they allowed to
participate if they don't understand jokes targeted to a more computer
literate audience? It's very difficult to communicate, electronically, in a
manner that is readily understood by all. To attack those who misunderstand
seems more than a little cruel.
Looking forward to the next jokeaday edition.
Thank you for your letter.
Yes, ridiculing people has a long and wonderful history
and it's a damned popular spectator sport, too. I need
only say, "Candid Camera."
Which would be a good analogy for Joke A Day. I catch
people "in the act of being themselves." Fortunately for
the more enlightened in the crowd, it's a blast to watch
those who have no common sense flail about.
This joke was not about computer literacy. No one who
read the thing could say with a straight face they believed
it. It had nothing to do with how much you know about
computers and everything to do with how much a person
reads and comprehends plain English. My transmission
of the joke was *perfect*. Those who could read, laughed.
Those who didn't take the time / couldn't read / or couldn't
be *bothered* with reading it cried and cried foul.
Humor, by nature, is always at *someone's* expense. Think
of nearly any joke. Someone has done something that may
be slightly embarrassing or totally clueless or said something
that's completely mangled -- and it comes out funny.
I'm not here to "include" or "exclude" anyone, Jerry. My
self-assigned task is to get up every day and tell something
that *I* think is funny. I invite people to share whatever it
is I decided to think up that day. It's pretty simple, really.
I don't try to be all things to all people. Because then you
wind up with an absolute *worthless* pile of dogcrap that
caters ONLY to the *lowest* common denominator.
Ummm, AOL comes to mind.
Jesse with regunl
I hope you understand that the people who took you seriously are the same
people who have their email boxes flooded with messages, myself included. I
typically side with the victims of these unfortunate hoaxes and spoofs of
hoaxes, *HOWEVER* it is so obviously clear that this email is a spoof. I
sent it to my extremely computer illiterate mother, without the any forward
headers as if it were the genuine article, and she responed:
"you can't fool me! this is some kind of joke, where did you get it? I'll
forward it to grandma to see what she does."
I'll keep you posted! And to those who continue on their journeys to utter
stupidity, I say: GOD'S SPEED!!
Jackie with nuz
your site
and check it out. I ended up laughing harder at some of the letters you received about this than
I did at the joke itself. Have these people never watched Saturday Night Live? Do they not know
the meaning of the word satire? What really killed me were the ones who e-mailed you with
serious questions about this virus. Maybe they mistook you for Fred Langa or Steve Gibson. :)
Since I don't offend easily and I love to laugh I just subscribed to jokeaday. In spite of the
fact that I am a blonde I think I'll manage not to confuse your e-mails with my Langalist and
Backwire subscriptions. Keep up the good work.
Funny damned thing: I didn't confuse you with Fred or Steve,
either. Have these people never watched Baywatch? Have
they never seen a pretty blonde before?
:)
Thanks for signing up, hon.
Claudia in Brazil
I'm not in your lists because I'm trying to become a serious working person and computer gets on
the way big time! hehehe I just wish I had time to read all your witty comments on peoples
answers on that AOL thing. Irony is the best thing mankind ever created! :)
Thank you, hon. And trust me, you should forget that "serious
working person" crap. (1) No one believes it and (2) it won't
get you laid. :)
Joe with yahoo
My God, Ray, I think you have uncovered a whole new
species! There have always been stupid people. Dumb,
clueless individuals running through the world
refusing to learn, follow directions or even use
proper eating habits (mouth = Food go in here). But
now, having reviewed your wonderful, wonderful
collection of responses to the AOL.exe virus (which,
yes I have forwarded to many, many, many "friends" ;)
I think you have found a new breed. The "smarter"
defender of the stupid! Someone who wastes valuable
time attempting to find justification for the actions
of the idiots that plague this world. These folks are
great! I never thought about it before but you find
them everywhere too! I think they deserve their own
name. We leave AOLiens for the stupid but how about
something for this other group?
I'm thinking: DumbBars,MorIdiots, AOLelite, President
Bush?
OK, that last one might be taken but you get the
idea . . .
Daisy with grapevine
How ironic that the only directions the AOL'ers WILL follow are those in your joke!
Lord, save me - now I can expect your joke forwarded to me over and over again in the form of a real warning. I just don't have enough time in the day to fix this one!
I'm queasy from laughing so hard, AND from the thought of having to explain it to everyone who thinks I provide free tech support just because they know me.
Thanks for a GREAT joke (and for making my life hell),
Ain't that the truth, Daisy? I guess I have some concept of
what doctors go through all the time with folks asking 'em
for free medical advice. I get asked all the time to fix
someone's computer.
I think I'll start saying, "Pay me or I'll unleash the deadly
AOL.EXE virus on your ass."
"A."
"Oh"
"El."
"Eee."
"Ecks"
"Eee."
"Virus."
Just sounds nasty, doesn't it?
Rick with hpc
As you know, I work at a large DOD computer center which
caters to some of the world's most brilliant scientists.
You'd think I'd be insulated from the worst boneheads.
I'm not talking PCs here, I'm talking the multimillion
dollar mainframes that run nothing but heavy duty
scientific programs simultaneously across dozens of
procesors for several days.
In jest I have been known to make outrageous suggestions
to people: the problem is in your keyboard retaining
bolt; please adjust the nut that is holding your keyboard.
The reason your job died unexpectedly is because we lost
coolant to the firewall and the ether in the net blew up.
But my all time favorite was, "You've got dull router bits;
have your local support go to SEARS, they are having a sale
on carbide-tipped router bits."
Honest to gosh, Ray, I have been believed on all of them.
Listening to the person on the other end trying to find
the keyboard retaining nut almost made he hurt myself,
and may have been a major contributing factor to the hernia
I got a bit later.
But the dull router bits always makes me laugh. I hadn't
planned it, it just slipped out. I would have loved to
have been on the other end of the phone when he called his
local support to order the carbide-tipped router bits from
SEARS.
Very few of the people fall for this crap, but when they do,
they fall hard.
Reader David runs the Tech Funnies at www.techfunnies.com.
The heading of his mailing says:
" . . . Bringing you the best in 'TRUE' Tech Humor from the front!"
And in his recent issue he ran the AOL.EXE joke. He prefaced his
comments with:
"This issue comes as a tribute to a VERY brilliant man, please
enjoy this issue courtesy of Ray Owens' at www.jokeaday.com I
just about 'busted a gut' laughing so hard, and most of my
office mates loved this as well, so without any further ado!"
David with techfunnies
I sent out a copy of your Hoax Ray, and honest to GOD these are the
responses I get... I also run ONLY a joke mailing list -
Tech Funnies to be exact, at the beginning of the message and the
END I mention that you had originated this and even put a LINK to
your web-site for people to go read... good GOD, AOL users are
everything we fear and MORE!
Tom at AOL: is this a joke?
Cecil at AOL: Your virus scare will cause many people to delete an important
Windows file. Please rescind your warning immediately. The reason
why no virus program will pick up the file you refer to, is because it
is not a virus. Also all users of Windows will find this file is because
it came with their systems. There was considerable noice to the public about this phoney
e-mail back in May (the version of the e-mail here in the D.C. area
gave a June 1 date. The only people who are now in trouble are
the ones that followed the bad - very, very bad - advice contained
in this e-mail.
Mickey with Compuserve
Ray, after the AOL.EXE thingy. . . I'm now convinced. You make up all of the
"stupid letter's" yourself. (they are too funny)! There is NO way that people
are that stupid!
I know, I know. Boy, do I KNOW! I do hair and have kids, but C'MON!! I
would feel like slapping my kids straight if they even came CLOSE to some uf
thos respons u got!!!!!!!!
(Ahhh... just think about it, Ray, to be so clueless!! - life would be so
SIMPLE = Homer Simpson) (except for people like you *tryin'* to make us think
- YOU BASTARD!!)
YeAh sO wUt iF iM oN cOmPuSeRvE
(I know it's real - just had to "type" in!)
xoxoxo
Ken with Juno
I have been with JUNO since I got an e-mail address but I did try AOL
once because they promised me 700 free hours in February (do the math)
and I couldn't resist.
I canceled my account in 8 days. And you wouldn't believe how difficult
they make it to do just that.
I have had to deal with 3 of the pushiest, rudest salesman and I am
originally from New York City and do I ever know about pushy sales
people.
They kept on and on and on while I'm screaming into the phone, "What part
of NOT INTERESTED DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND??". And still they kept
on. And then sent a follow up letter.
They are kind of like the Mafia. The don't want their members to leave,
either. AND IT'S NO JOKE!!
But, they'd be such a fucked up Mafia, Ken:
"Yo, I want ya to whack this joke uh'da fuckin' day thing.
Yo, Tiny Turner, I want you to handle this personally.
Make dis bastard an offer he can't refuse."
"We can do dat, Boss Case."
"I mean it. Youse guys let this azzzzhole disrespect me."
"Boss Case, we're fuckin' sorry and we didn't mean no
disrespect. You want us, like, fuckin' drop a case of
fuckin' CDs on this mick bastard?"
"I don't wanna know. I jus wan him gone, capiche? Like,
batta sing batta song."
The hoods leave Boss Case's office. On the other side
of the door, Tiny Turner turns to Greasy Gerry and says,
"Wha fuckin' song are we spose to sing?"
"I dunno. We'll go down to the stadium. See if the
Yanks are playing. Drink a little uzo. Get one of the
battas to sing. Den we'll know."
LadiDi with ospr
Having read about your "AOL virus alert" on the LangaList and having LMAO, I bookmarked
your Joke-A-Day site and only got around to visiting tonight. Just reading your home page made
me laugh harder than I've laughed about ANYTHING for a very long time!
It is totally incredible that ANYONE could possibly have taken your spoof seriously! And, with all the
warnings about NOT accepting e-mail virus alerts at face value, I also found it incredible that so many
people took the "sulfnbk" hoax to heart. (I'm embarrassed to say I actually know people who deleted
that exe file and some were not AOL users!)
I hope AOL doesn't sue you or anything, because something this funny doesn't belong in a court of law!
It belongs on the WWW!
Glad to see that little accident with Dodi didn't harm your
sense of humor, hon. :)
Evadare with Yahoo
I love that aol virus joke SO much that I'm going to
subscribe to your joke a day! I've hated aol for as
long as I've been a computer person (since 1997). I've
never read anything more satisfying than what you've
written about aol. thank you so much Ray!
By the way,(I know this is forward of me! but) now
that I've been impressed by your intelligence and wit,
I can't help but ask - are you single?? (no joke!) I'm
female and single... couldn't resist...
I was just *today* trying to talk my live-in girlfriend, April, into
letting me bring home single women.
"You do," she said, "and you won't be getting any."
"But that's why I want to bring home other single women -- so
that doesn't happen!"
She just doesn't understand this whole "planning for
emergencies" thing. I don't get it.
Gene with tnaccess
I do believe this may go down in history as your (greatest?) moment. I live
in Crossville TN (west of Knoxville up on the Plateau) and I have it on GOOD
authority that the AOL.EXE has struck here recently! A measure of the
backwardness of this place is that it STRUCK here this late in the course of
its malicious lifetime. The reaction to the VIRUS among my friends is, "God
Damn! Why did'nt I think of doing that?" We thank you for one of the best
laffs of this or any year.
Jennifer with ATT
i must commend you on a job well done! any moron that would believe it to be true most certainly deserves any
annoyances they encounter because of it! maybe you should warn them that computer companies (like the one i
bought my computer from) are trying to spread the AOL.EXE virus as well. hell, they even installed it on my computer,
before delivering it to me, without my permission! i intelligently decided to delete it from my computer, which has
allowed my IQ to remain above 85! can't they understand that you're only trying to help them. it's really for their own
good.
This evening I was in *Sears* and I noticed even *they*
were passing out infected disks with AOL.EXE on it. If
they're not careful those disks are going to start infecting
other appliances and pretty soon toasters aren't going to
toast, washers ain't gonna wash, refrigerators won't fridge,
microwaves won't wave, and garbage disposals will start
posting to chat rooms.
Ya ever tried to reinstall the operating system on an
fridge? Pretty simple, really
0010 BEGIN PROGRAM
0020 GET COOL
0030 STAY COOL
0040 IF TEMPERATURE = COOL + 10 DEGREES THEN
GOTO 0020 ELSE IF TEMPERATURE >= WARM THEN
GOTO 0050
0050 DOOR OPEN
0060 CLOSE DOOR
0070 SMACK TEENAGER$
0080 INSTRUCT TEENAGER$ TO KEEP DOOR SHUT
0090 IF TEENAGER$ DEAF GOTO 0070
But if those AOL disks get anywhere near a fridge, they'll
put a virus in there and this is what the program will look
like
0010 WANNA DO THE PROGGY THANG
0020 2 B KEWL
0030 2 B 2 KEWL
0040 CHILL
0050 WE B CHILL
0060 IF CHILL = NAW THEN SHIT BRIK
0070 MODEM STRING TO AOL-TIME-WARNER TO
REPORT ALL FOOD STORED IN FRIDGE TO FACILITATE
ADVERTISING ON ICE CUBES
