In November 2001 I started up the daily "free" lists again after an eleven month hiatus.
In those eleven months, when I was sending mainly to my Premium Subscribers, I enjoyed
not having 200 to 300 messages in my mailbox each day from morons who couldn't figure
out the unsubscribe instructions. The majority of those unsubscribe requests came from
AOL people.
What a surprise.
It's really simple to unsubscribe from the mailing list. There's instructions included
in every thing I send out. It's a matter of clicking on a single link. If, for some
reason your email reader (this really affects AOL subscribers) doesn't recognize the
hyperlink, you're provided with a UNIQUE address that you can send mail to and that
will unsubscribe you, no matter what. (It even works if you're sending it from another
address!)
AOL people don't work that way. They're generally lazy and illiterate and refuse
to read and follow directions. AOLiens will reply to the message, reply to a message and
put "remove", "unsuscribe", "get me off your fukin list", reply and send the unique
email address, reply and send back the entire paragraph which contains the hyperlink and
the unique email address . . . well, trust me when I say there's almost an infinite variety
of ways they fuck up the process. All they have to do is READ, but they won't do that.
I set up my email program to take those requests and put 'em in my trash folder. I never
even see 'em.
But this week I changed that. I changed the filters on my email program to send back a
document that said this:
You're not unsubscribed.
This is an automated response to help you figure out your
unsubscribe request. Read it. (You haven't read anything
else we've put in front of you, but, read it anyway.)
The instructions to unsubscribe are included in every thing
we send out. They are idiot-proof if you READ and FOLLOW
the directions.
But, since you're being stupid about this, we've got an
EXPRESS UNSUBSCRIBE SERVICE. Head to this URL
and FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS:
http://www.jokeaday.com/7unsubnow.shtml
Going to that URL above gives you an opportunity to click on one button and pay me $5
through PayPal to unsubscribe you. It also insults you and calls you an idiot for
not being able to figure out the unsubscribe instructions.
Needless to say, the insults drove some people nuts. (As they were intended to.)
Enter Phase II of the plan.
I put this warning above the instructions on the that page:
IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THE DIRECTIONS BELOW, PLEASE NOTE!
Under penalty of law, Joke A Day has been required to post the following:
In response to numerous complaints, Joke A Day is required to provide you with a contact to a third party
mediation firm, Net-Complaint.com, to assist in any mediation that
might arise from the instructions below.
If you feel these instructions are discriminatory or if you feel you
cannot follow them or if they're just too difficult to do, then you have
the right to write to abuse@net-complaint.com
(click on that link). You will be contacted by Net-Complaint.com to help
you with a case against Joke A Day.
|
Oh yeah, did I happen to mention that I am the owner of Net-Complaint.com?
Carly went through the process. She replied to me with an email that had "remove" as the subject line.
She got the "dumbass" autoresponder back and was directed to the 7unsubnow page. She decided to take
advantage of that "third party mediator". Carly forwarded every letter I sent to her (as Joke A Day)
on to "Ananias Sapphira", the "Director" of Net Complaints.
Enjoy Joke A Day's 12th Judi Award Winner:
Click here to Read Carly's Judi Award
Comments about Carly's Judi Award (from those who have access to the Premium Website!)
Stu with scanconv
You are my idol!!!! Oh my god! Your latest Judi had me in stiches! Thank
goodness I'm the boss and can surf the web whenever I want. Keep up the
good work, I'll keep sending in my 5 bucks or whatever a month for the
Premium List as well as buy your books as they come out!
David with Webproductions
Ray, just read the whole Judi award for Carly...
You are truly evil. Despicable.
Excellent job!
Charles with adelphia
You are a fucking riot!
Your latest Judi is absolutely awesome.
You are a God!
Lauri with mmcable
OMG!!
This is the best Judi yet!
(wiping tears from eyes and gasping for breath!)
You are the best, Ray!
Goddamn - NO one can beat ya!
Edward with therange
I just read through the twelfth 'Judi' Award. I must say, (while bowing as low as I can) that you are Truly the Master!
Behold, there is a Humor God, and thou shalt call Him 'Ray'...
Rayanne in Canada
Just read your "Judi Award" about Carly. This is truly some of your best
work, I had tears of laughter while I read it.
Keep up the great job and (in your spare time) get another book out there
for us to buy! :)
Simple T with yahoo
I am in awe of you sir. That was just incredible. I hope you didn't hurt yourself from laughing so hard at receiving the Apology e-mail from Carly.
You are truly the God of AOL Bashing.
Shana with earthlink
Have I told you lately that I adore you? The latest Judi is priceless! I still have tears on my cheeks
from laughing so hard. You are one in a billion!
Mark with sjcuria
Oh man, the latest Judi is a classic! I thought you were ingenious having
the shadow correspondence, handled extremely well the fact that she was
under age (you can be a softy when you realize who you are dealing with),
and you ended it just about perfectly, finessing an apology and closing the
story with out her being any the wiser. Entertainment at its best, and I am
not usually a big fan of the flame wars.
Michael with home
Thanks for the great compilation of the "Carly" adventure. It
was terrific and I really enjoyed the saga. I have to say your
"net complaint" department was comic genius.
Rich with goamerica
Ray - You are an evil evil man.
Please keep up the good work.
Paul with Juno
You evil, evil man. That last Judi Award... was an absolute MASTERPIECE!
Oh man, you've got the best and worst job in the world. Say, is JAD
hiring?
Bill with papadocs
I bow down before greatness, the best damn Judi award ever !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Kristian with yahoo
I can only think of three simple words to express my appreciation for
your service and the hysterics you constantly put me through.
You are brilliant.
I just read the Judi award for Carly, and I just have to shake my head
at the sheer ignorance and stupidity of some people. And kudos to you
and your eloquant verbage to convince her so thoroughly that she
actually talking to some who cared about her plight!
Greg with home
Ray, I just read the latest Judi Award you posted and I only want to know
one thing: What would have been your next step? Hitting her over the head
with a brick?? Could you have been more obvious?
Okay, two things.
Ron with computerconcepts
Great Judi Award. Not quite as good as *AOL.EXE virus*, but pretty darn
close. What she didn't mention [about her I.Q.] being *1 point below
genius level* is that the new teaching methods they use, i.e. doesn't matter
if little Johnny can't read/write, but does he 'feel good' about himself;
allows people like [Carly] to set their own *standards*. It's fairly obvious
her standard of *genius* must be '10', and she's only 1 point below, which
does put her in the category of AOL superior! I can't believe she/he/it
never picked up on your not very subtle [in my opinion] hints. Loved the
*KFC* inclusion. The whole thing was an absolute hoot. What would be even
better is to send Carly the entire page. Kids these days are so ignorant,
and what's even more troubling is the fact that the parents either don't
care, or they're just as ignorant themselves! Hope ya had a great T-day!
Chuck with home
Oh My God!
Ray, the Carly - Judi Award has got to be the most awful thing you have
EVER done. I can just imagine there's some poor young girl just sick over
the fact that she made Ananias Sapphira lose her job. You bad man.. very bad
man.. now go stand in a corner and think about what you've done!
(While I sit at my desk and laugh my ass off! Thanks, Ray!)
Rachel with ecarthage
Holy crap! If there were any way possible to give a standing ovation
through email, I would be doing so now. I think this is one of the best,
and probably most time consuming, bits you've done to date. The only thing
that worries me is that KFC might still contact you about their
investigation. That Colonel can be a real hard ass. You are absolutely the
King! Good luck topping this one...although AOLiens give you plenty of
fuel, so I guess it's not impossible.
Judi Award Winner #8 Cathie Walker with SillyGirl.com
Just when I think you can't get ANY more evilly brilliant, you go ahead & do just that.
I'm still laughing!
John with AOL
Cease and desist!
I'm laughing so hard at your 12th Judi award-I'm choking on a turkey bone over here!!
Your truly a master of comedy--but the day after Thanksgiving, when you know darn well we're already stuffed from turkey, and you send this? How in the world are we to keep it all down if your continue to be this funny!
That Carly was an A-Class moron, your NetComplaint.com was PURE genius, and your exchange was better then any Jim Carey movie I'd ever seen!
John in the UK
Just read your latest Judi, and although it was well-deserved, I can't help feeling it's a bit
sad too. But I managed to get over it! It's extraordinary how the Internet empowers stupid
people *and* young people, and a combination of the two is heady stuff.
I'm sure you know about the Law of Holes, where the first Law is 'if you find yourself in one,
stop digging'. Instead, most of these people call for extra shovels. I think someone should
preface these laws with instructions on how to recognise a damn hole. Unfortunately AOL seem
to issue their subscribers with a monthly quota of stupidity. Maybe it's done subliminally
through the screen. I have a friend who is Deputy Head of a school. She is 45, a sensible,
rational, mature and intelligent woman. Yet her emails look and read as if they had been
written by a 13 year old. HOW FUKIN STOOPID IS THIS? PurLEEEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
Cole with sbc
All I can say is the new Judi award is absolute genius!! I just got through reading it and
I'm still laughing my ass off! It just amazes me how unbelievably stupid people can be. If
you don't mind me making a suggestion, I don't think you should make this particular Judi
award available to those on the free site. If some of those morons read it and figure out
you own net-complaint.com, it could spoil lots of potential laughs in the future. I know
some morons/AOLiens still won't be able to figure it out, but you never can be too safe,
right? I also know that you'll run your site the way that you want to, so again this is
just a suggestion from a loyal subscriber. Anyway, keep up the excellent work and I'll
be looking forward to reading more letters to net-complaint.com.
Rob with earthlink
That was cool. I enjoyed it. You brightened up my very boring day. Will
Carly be finding out about her award?
She's not read one damned thing *yet*, so who knows if she'll
know about this one?
You really scared the Jesus out of her. I think that was the best one yet. I
don't know how your next Judi will be better than that.
Well, that's what I said about Monika, too. :) "How am I
ever going to top THIS stupid bitch?"
The answer: easy. AOL just keeps making more stupid
people.
It's like the old Dorito's commercial. "Go on, smack all
you want. We'll make more."
Steven with preferred
You are an absolute genius. I just read the Judi (Carli version) and have to compliment you.
I know of no one else who could have lambasted the little ditz in such an oblique (yet highly
effective) manner. My only regret is that she'll (probably) never realize just how thoroughly
she's been skewered.
I salute you for a job well done, Chief.
John with hotmail
Ray, you are one demented, sick, evil fuck. I Love it!!! How the hell you can come up with that shit is beyond me. =) Keep it up!!!
Justine with AOL
(Ray wrote in the Judi): These goddamned AOLien morons wouldn't pick up on the fact they're being
screwed with if you told it right to their faces!"
OH MY GOD!! That was hilarious. That poor STUPID STUPID girl. You ALMOST have to feel sorry for her,
but not quite. Thanks for the laughs, Ray. Sometimes you just out-do yourself.
Have I ever told you that I love you? I am almost crying I am laughing so hard. This is one of,
if not THE best Judis/pranks of yours EVER. Keep it coming.
Rachel with Yahoo
Oh Ray. You're so mean. :)
One of these days someone is going to *actually* try and sue you for
verbal abuse. Wait, what am I thinking? No AOLien would be smart
enough to think that far.
Keep 'em coming!
Rachel, hon, there's this little thing called "The First Amendment"
which gives me freedom of speech. :)
Of course, it's possible to happen. People in this country sue
over anything. And, with jurors as stupid as they are, it's possible
the decision would go against me.
Then it'd be like this joke:
A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a
countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid his
fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't call
a countess a cow, if he could call a cow a countess?
The judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon the
newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowed
elaborately, and said, "How do you do, Countess?"
Jenn with hotmail
The newest Judi Award is truly awe inspiring my Lord. I greatly admire
the way you set it up, truly it is a thing of sheer genious. That was a
lovely apology though wasn't it! :-) I nearly died with that whole last
part: the twins, the disabled husband ... wonderful, wonderful. It is
so good to see thy holy hand delivering a Judi after so long. Thank you,
Thank you O Almighty Ray for blessing us with this new Judi Award. :-)
Caroline with softhome
Right that's it, I'm gonna sue you.
You should have posted a warning that your readers should be careful not to
drink something hot whilst reading Carly's exploits.
How am I EVER going to get the coffee off my keyboard and monitor where I
laughed with my mouth full?
Oh and of course there's the collateral damage to my fingers for typing
this through the scalding coffee.
Hans in the Netherlands
Ray, you're evil. And sick. And a bastard.
But you're *MY* sick evil bastard! =)
I just read the whole thing, and I laughed my ass clean off. (That's going
to be a sight at the swimming pool, tomorrow morning.)
'one point below the "Genius" range'? That's got to be one hell of a
big-ass point.
And how stupid do you have to be *not* to recognise 'KFC'? Ex-fucking-cuse
me, but as far as I know there are no (thank God!) Korn-Fed Chickens in
Europe, and *I* know what they serve up. (I'll even put good money on one
of the 'special' herbs being the colonel's own crabs.)
But, more important things await my attention, for my inbox shows me that I
have the opportunity to buy protection against anthrax *and* smallpox (it's
colloidal silver; d'you think it'll work better than the smallpox
innoculation I got just after I was born?). Not to mention a possible
Viagra substite that works for both men *and* women. Now, you *know* what
I'll be dunking in the swimming pool before too long. Used to be the women
just got soaking wet whenever I entered, now they'll be HARD as well.
Whoo-ee. If you hear me screaming, don't you dare rescue me.
I've called off the rescue squad, sir. The Swedish Bikini team
was crestfallen that they'd not be able to try that new "naked
mouth-to-mouth" technique on you, but I told 'em you were
adamant about not being rescued.
Don with adams
1. Get nekkid. (no, not "naked", that merely means without cloathing.
"Nekkid" means without clothing ***AND*** definitely raring to go!)
2. Have April get nekkid.
3. Get in bed. Or at least get comfy.
4. Have April give you 1,000 pats on the back for the Carly escapade. What
appendage(s) April may use to GIVE those pats is entirely up to her discretion.
5. Show April your appreciation for the 1,000 pats on the back.
6. Repeat until you're exhausted.
7. Perform twice daily until a new Judi Award is given.
Considering what went on with Carly, I think it's nearly impossible for
anyone to be able to top that. This one's worthy of movie rights and book
tours!!
Rob with yahoo
Oh Jesus Ray, you've out done yourself this time... I
thought that the net-complaint.com was brilliant, but
never thoughtit would be this good! I just finished
reading the new Judi and am in tears from laughing!
This is too unreal, you're the best!
Byron with sierra
What a beautiful mind-fuck!! I really enjoyed this one......
Eric with smashing
You have really outdone yourself. That is far and away the funniest Judi
award yet. I almost wet my pants I'm laughing so hard. Keep up the awesome
work!
Ann with leschaco
OH MY GOD!!!
God must haved blessed us with you Ray, because no one (except maybe my
husband) can make me laugh like you do.
I just finished reading the latest Judi. I just thought it was really sad
until the end where you told her to write an apology and she actually DID!
I cannot believe that she did not catch on! I almost fell out of my chair
at work trying to keep from laughing out loud! I probably will have sore
stomach muscles tomorrow!
Thanks again for all the laughs!
Dirk with jokeaday.NET
You, sir, owe me a monitor and a keyboard, as well as the $10 co-pay for the
doctor visit to repair the gut I busted laughing my ass off about Carly! I
should known better than to have anything to drink nearby while reading a
Judi entry, though...And the busted gut wouldn't have been so bad had I not
been trying to stay quiet while reading that at work! So, I guess it's
really all my fault.
Steve with carder
I just wanted to compliment you. The recent Judi award, as well as the
Unsubscribe button that sends people to PayPal are comic genius. I felt so bad
about the poor woman losing her job. The scene she described with the poor,
blind kids bumping into walls was so touching it brought tears to my eyes. Of
course, the hysterical laughter accompanying those tears sort-of ruined to
moment. But anyway, it was comic genius through out.
Michael in Canada
Sorry. No freaking way. I have to call you on this one.
There is no way anyone could be as stupid as Carly. You had to have made that up.
Malcolm in the UK
Now I am not from your side of the pond, so I cannot claim to know anything
about the spirit of Thanksgiving Day. But I would bet that leading a young
AOLien girl up the garden path, leaving her with the impression that it was
her fault you lost your job, is a long way from it. Adding the invalid
family crowns it all.
Do you ever get back to these people and admit it was all a hoax?
You are a cruel and sadistic bastard.
Thanks, a lot, keep up the good work.
Jim with gte
Oh, man, you are SO cruel! LOL
Zion with divatv
You are a GOD! I just finished reading the latest Judi. If I didn't know you
better, I'd swear you made Carly up. That was absolutely *priceless* reading!
In regards to her IQ, I do believe what she was told was probably more like
"You scored one point below moron, genius!", the moron point being conveniently
forgotten.
To confess a little Monday morning density, I wasn't able to derive any hidden
meaning from "Ananias Sapphira, Ph.D.", if there is one.
Erin with Yahoo
Oh god, Ray. That was brilliant! It was especially
funny the way Sapphira kept repeating "highly
understandable and clearly written instructions."
Carly just didn't get it, did she?
I also liked "Ananias Sapphira", but I have to ask . . .
I assume it's an anagram, but the best I can do is "a
sharp pain in aas", so I wonder if I'm missing the
mark?
Amanda with yahoo
I loved the Carly interchange.
So.... Ananias gives us 'Liar', but Sapphira? The closest guess I can
come up with for the etymology of that one for this context (assuming
you're not just going for 'blue') would be sapphic. So the AOLien
complaints are being fielded by a lesbian liar? Am I even close?
Thanks (again) for the laughs!
Congrats on being the ONLY person (so far) that's commented
on the names. :)
Ananias and Sapphria were a married couple back in biblical
days who stiffed God some of His tithes on a real estate deal
they made. God killed 'em. (I guess revoking their real
estate license would have entailed a lot of paperwork. If God's
anything, He's efficient.) It's all in the book of Acts. (Chapter
5.)
For some Bible scholars, they've been called "History's
Greatest Liars." I don't think they were all that hot, tell you
the truth. No one *knows* who the greatest liars are because,
well, you don't know you've been lied to by them.
For instance, Clinton was a *horrible* liar because everyone
*knew* he was lying. How? His lips were moving!
Well, I just couldn't see you pulling a name out of your hat with
nothing behind it. I'm a bit of a word geek, so it was worth a few
minutes of digging. (Obviously I didn't dig far enough, though, since
I didn't track down the Sapphria part!)
I'll have to dig up a bible and brush up on the story -- that's one
that will come in handy in an argument someday. And I agree re: not
knowing the good liars. If they're doing it well, they're the only
ones who are in on the joke. Ever.
Thanks for the lesson!
Christian in the UK
Hey Ray, you are a nasty, nasty man, poor little
carly, dangling a million dollars in front of her nose
then cruelly ripping it away.
It is probably highly un-ethical to pose as an
internet consumer organization. It is amazing how
little it bothers me though, I asked my conscience and
my morals, they declined to coment, in fact they are
on holiday..
Let me tell you now, if you ever stop sending me funny
stuff (unless I unsubscribe of course) I will inform
the FBI, YMCA and the USB of your appaling sense of
humour/justice. Lets see you make jokes about your ex
wife when I have screwed you more than she could ever
have dreamed possible. I'll use your flashy new
server as a paperweight when the OJ Jurors send you
away for being nasty to little AOL users.
I am disgusted by the way to hear rumours about your
involvement with the international kitty porn ring, I
PAY for joke a day, how come I am not getting any of
that hot furry stuff??? something wrong with me,
aren't I dumb enough for you? I'll join AOL if it
helps. Tell you what, I'll start hitting my head
against the wall later to cause some damage so I can
be sure of qualifying for an account.
Thanks Ray, you are as always a bright light in the
mud that is real life.
