Well, it's finally happened. Someone has "gone over the
rainbow" and got themselves awarded a Judi Award.
Back in December, I wrote an original piece about Al Gore's
first draft of his concession speech:
GORE'S UNRELEASED CONCESSION SPEECH.
I wanted you to know that I got ahold of Al Gore's first
draft of his concession speech. I'm told Vice President
Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut
down his chances for being elected President. So, here
it is, uncut, and in its entirety.
"What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election.
"Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I'm not conceding a
goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of
right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned
one of 'em of those wackos voted against me. They best
be watching their back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez
for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my
hands on some assault weapons.
"Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I
just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court.
You better get your goddamned wills in order, because
I'm the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God,
you assholes are next.
"Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey,
thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go
to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol
so you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking
paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election.
"To the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to get
off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now
you're getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world.
Shit fire, had you all voted and written in "Goofy" you would
have been better off.
"And to my home state of Tennessee. The "Volunteer State."
Well, I got your "volunteer" hanging right HERE, you bunch
of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.
"All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I'd
fight for you so it's for goddamned sure not *my* fault.
I'll be back in four years, so you better get your shit
together or I'll sic Tipper on your ass and make Hillary my
Vice President.
"What a pisser."
Dina waited a couple of weeks to complain about it. She didn't seem to think it
was all that funny or appropriate.
Dina with Hotmail
Hey,
you know what?
What you send me on December 19th, Gore's speech, was
very sickening and something that is terribly inapropriate! If this
happens again, I will talk to the police! This is something that
I thought I would not recieve from you, and that I wouldn't have
to read.
Hey, you know what? Call the police. Tape the call. Then,
send me a copy of the tape. It's been a long time since I
will have heard laughing as hard as *you're* going to hear
when you call 'em.
Dina: Hi, is this the police?
Police: Yes, ma'am, what can we do for you?
D: I want to talk to someone.
P: What do you think we're doing now?
D: No, no, you don't understand. I got something that I
didn't expect and I want to talk to someone about it.
P: What? You mean like some sexually transmitted
disease? Shouldn't you be talking to your doctor?
D: What? No, nothing like that. I got this thing in my
email and I didn't think I would receive things like it.
P: Yeah? Hang on, let me get the rest of the squad on
the speaker phone so we can all (*snicker*) . . . err . . .
assist you. (Sounds of lots of donut munchers moving their
chairs closer to the speaker phone.) Go ahead, Miss, what
did you get?
D: I got a copy of Al Gore's concession speech. Well,
the first draft of it, anyway.
P: You're a lucky lady. That's liable to be worth
something some day.
D: No, you don't understand. I got it in my email.
P: Did you get it from the Vice President himself?
D: No, I got it from some joke list guy. He sent it to me.
P: How did the joke guy get it?
D: I don't know how he got it. That's not important. What's
important is I shouldn't have to read this.
P: Then why *did* you read it?
D: Because it was in my email!!!
P: And because it was in your email you were *forced* to
read it?
D: YES!
P: And you don't think you should have had to read it?
D: No, of course not. Why can't this joke guy just send to
me what I want to read?
P: I dunno. This joke guy, his name wouldn't happen to
be Kreskin, would it?
D: Not that I know of, why?
P: Well, you know, Kreskin was the great mind reader. I
figured if he was going to be expected to only send you what
you wanted to read, he'd have to read your mind.
D: You're getting off track. What can be done about this?
P: About what?
D: About THIS. You know. About this joke guy sending
stuff I didn't expect and shouldn't have to read.
P: Did you subscribe to this joke list?
D: Yes.
P: Is this joke list only about the Vice President's concession
speeches?
D: Jesus, you'd think so here lately!
P: Then why don't you unsubscribe from the list?
D: Because I want him to send me stuff *I* think is funny!!!
P: And you didn't think this one was?
D: NO! It had lots of bad words in it.
P: Did this joke list guy say the jokes would have nasty
words in 'em?
D: Yeah, but so? You're getting off the track here. I want
you to FORCE this guy to send me stuff that I think is funny.
And, if at 8:32 on Tuesday mornings, well, my delicate system
isn't ready for jokes that have nasty words in 'em. He should
have sent the joke at 4:46 in the afternoon -- that's when I'm in
my "nasty words" mode. Because then I've had some lunch,
I'm checking out the porn sites on the Internet, I'm thinking
about my boyfriend, and how hot he makes me, and I'm thinking
about asking my husband for a new dishwasher, and I'm thinking
about my girlfriend and how hot she makes me . . . so that's
when I want nasty jokes! Not at 8:32 in the morning! God, this
is SO lame!
P: Ma'am, how do you expect us to force this guy to do
this?
D: You're the POLICE, for crying out loud. What do I pay
my taxes for?
P: How much in income tax did you pay last year, ma'am?
D: Well, I got it all back because I only made $4000 last
year, so I didn't really pay *any* tax, but that's besides the
point -- SOMEONE pays your salaries and you work for me!
P: What's your address, ma'am?
D: I live in Queens.
P: And where does this joke guy live?
D: I don't know. Ohio. Canada. Nebraska. Some cold ass
place.
P: Ma'am, we don't have jurisdiction in those other places.
Have you tried calling the feds?
D: No, I haven't. Whom should I call?
P: Why not try the Vice President? I hear he gives a great
concession speech.
You are so horribly nasty! You can't just go making fun of everyone
like that!Excuse me, I acctually knew that words like this were
going to appear, but I didn't know that they will be making fun of
live people. You are a are a stupid-idiot and you should be sent
to jail: that's all! You are rude and selfish!
Why, Dina, whatever could be wrong? Did your little chat with
the police not come out the way you expected? Did they not
take you serious? Why not give 'em another call?
Dina: Hello? Police?
Police: Yeah, this is the police. What can we do for you?
D: I called earlier today and complained about some
email that I was forced to read.
P: Oh, yes. I remember. How's the boyfriend, girlfriend,
and husband doing?
D: *I* don't have any of those things! Someone was
putting words in my mouth! Someone was forcing me to
*say* all of those things!!!
P: Was it . . . Satan?
D: No, dammit! It was . . . Al Gore! Arrrggh!! It's
happening again -- someone is making me look like an
idiot!
P: Ma'am, I think you're doing a pretty good job of that
all on your own.
D: Ok, ok, let's all just calm down. Look, I want you to
put this joke guy in jail!
P: On what charge, ma'am?
D: Because he's a stupid-idiot! And he's rude and selfish!
P: How is he selfish?
D: Because he thinks he can just go making fun of everyone!
It's not fair! What about *me*? Who can I make fun of???
P: As I said, ma'am, I think you're doing a pretty good job
of making fun of yourself.
D: You're not being any help at all!
P: I'm sorry, ma'am. But, what is it you expect us to do?
D: I TOLD YOU!!! I want this joke guy put in jail!!!
P: Yes ma'am, and I asked you on what charge. You said
that he was a "stupid-idiot", that he's rude, and selfish. Those
are not offenses that someone can be arrested for, ma'am. In
fact, I think those are pretty good traits for someone who wants
to run a joke site.
D: BUT IT'S NOT A JOKE SITE!!!
P: Why do you say that?
D: Because he's not telling jokes *I* want to hear! I told him
that I knew nasty words were going to appear, but I didn't think
he'd be making fun of LIVE people!
P: Was he supposed to be making fun of dead people?
D: EXACTLY! Or cartoons! Or comic book characters!
Or fictional characters!
P: Why?
D: Are you just fucking STUPID??? Because this is what
*I* want!!! And until he does it the *I* want it, then it's not a
joke site. He shouldn't be making fun of LIVE people!!!
P: I see. Well, look, I think you've got a case here. Wanna
jot down a few names? These guys can help you out, ok?
D: NOW we're getting somewhere!!!
P: Ok, write this down: Perry Mason. He's an attorney.
He'll get you lots of money and a confession right from the
witness stand.
D: How do you spell "Mason"?
P: Just look it up in the phone book. Here's some more:
Two broads: Cagney and Lacey. Sgt. Joe Friday. You can't
get a better cop. There's a Sherrif Quick Draw McGraw and he
can get ahold of Marshall Matt Dillon. Ask Matt to bring along
Festus -- you'll want a good deputy to subdue this joke guy.
While you're at it, you might want to call up a Captain Barney
Miller. He's in the 12th precinct in your area.
D: Cool. This is *way* cool. I'll teach this guy to send
out stupid-idiot things.
P: By the way, I tracked down the joke guy to the town
he lives in. You can get him put right in the jail right there in
his hometown.
D: REALLY? Far out. Where? Which town?
P: Mayberry. Check in with a Sheriff Taylor when you
get there.
Hey, you know what?
I don't really care about what is happening but, just to tell you,
I do not want you to write what I want you to write. Write whatever
you want. I am just telling you that this is not a good idea! It
is just that what you write is fairly inapropriate and shouldn't
be used as much as you use it. Ray, come on, get a life, for
crying out loud. Also, in your little scripts, DON'T MAKE ME SAY
BAD WORDS! Okay? me
(At police headquarters . . . )
**RING** **RING**
Patrolman: That's the phone, Sarge.
Sarge: Yeah, I know. God bless "Caller ID".
P: Who is it?
S: It's that wacko chick who's getting Barney Fife to
track down some internet joke guy.
P: Oh, yeah, me and all the guys in the squadroom were
laughing at the 911 tapes.
S: 911?
P: Yeah, she called 911 after she found out Mayberry
wasn't a real place and was pissed. Said, "Goddammit! I
want some fucking JUSTICE here or I'm going to come
down there and jam some squad cars up some faggoty
police asses!"
S: She did, did she?
P: You betcha, Sarge. Wacko chick just doesn't
know when to quit, does she?
S: She needs to get a life. She say anything else?
P: Yeah, she was she was going up to "the fucking
Vice President's mansion, rip open the goddamned door,
and get that worthless son of a bitch to fire some nuclear
weapons at that asshole joke guy or she was gonna whup
some ass on the Veep." Told 911 that if it wasn't for
the V.P.'s "fucking concession speech", she wouldn't be
so all fired pissed off.
S: Such language. What'd 911 say?
P: They contacted the Secret Service. The feds went
to take her away. Threatening law enforcement officers.
Threatening the Vice President. It looks like 20 to life for
Ms. Potty Mouth.
S: Good. Pass me that creme filled donut, would ya?
Ray!
Don't you get it? I'm in love with you! That's why I have
been bugging you all this long. I want to lay in bed with
you and have sex. How old are you? I'm 23, and everybody
says I'm hot! Please tell me your phone number and adress.
After that, I'll send you mine. I'm desperately in love
with you, Dina You are a heartbreaker!
Oh, yeah, I saw that right away. I had no doubts about
that.
But, ummm, April's gonna kick your ass, now. :)
