Welcome to another special edition of Joke A Day as I'm
happy to announce the 9th Judi Award winner.
For all of my talk about how dumb AOL is, to this point we've
never had a Judi Award winner carry the prestigious
"AOL.COM" moniker in their email address. Ahhh, the long
drought is over.
What's curious about Lori is that she started off so well. She
even had an offer to "kiss my hairy ass". (Now THAT doesn't
come along every day!) Last week she even wrote a letter in
*support* of Joke A Day to the Internet Police about Cathie
Walker's "abuse" of me back on April Fool's Day. (Man, that
Lori is right up to speed, huh? Four months after something
happens . . . )
Anyway, this one is a long one so set it aside to read at a
time when you can digest it all. Tomorrow I'll be back to the
regular joke-telling.
Thanks for being here -- Ray, Joke A Day
Okay... First off I really do like your website. I also really enjoy the
mailing list. And unlike most of the people you ream after receiving
criticism I am sure that I will stay a member even after I am done
corresponding with you. My concern is... WHAT IS WRONG WITH AOL?!?!?! I have
AOL as you can tell and while it is not the best for surfing the 'Net it
serves many peoples' purposes perfectly. I use it for chatting with my
friends and going to your site quite often... and other sites as well. The
only thing that I've found it doesn't serve its purpose for is working on my
website that I just started recently and for that I use Netscape Navigator.
Now if you can give me ONE VALID REASON why AOL Sucks then I will pat you on
the back and kiss your hairy old ass... but for now I think I will stick with
AOL! Thanks, have a great day!
~*Lori*~
I could give you a hundred reasons, Lori.
But I want you to go read my letters page(s) -- including
the archives. Notice where the *stupid* letters come from.
It's overwhelmingly AOL.
Then let me know if you're still in the dark as to why I bitch
about AOL.
Ray
Joke A Day
Mr. Ray,
Stupid letters? Because someone has AOL we are automatically assumed
to write stupid letters? Have you (Mr. Smart) ever considered that maybe most
of the letters come from AOL? America Online is a huge server and I am sure
most of your readers are users of AOL. And maybe that is why most of your
"stupid" letters come from AOL users. Maybe you should stop bitching about
AOL so much since you get the overwhemingly stupid letters that give you and
your site buisness from us stupid asses. I am still very much in the dark as
to why you bitch about America Online, since when a majority of net surfers
use AOL it is common sense that you would recieve more mail from them. And
that would mean yeah alot of the stupid letters WOULD come from AOL users...
thank you very much!
~*Lori*~
Dear God . . .
Yeah, Lori, because you have an AOL address you're considered
less intelligent than someone with a different email address.
You're shaping up to fit the category nicely.
(1) The majority of net users do NOT use AOL. There are
(last time I heard) about 250,000,000 people who regularly use
the Internet throughout the world. AOL has *at most* about
18,000,000. While AOL is the largest "ISP" (if you want to call
it that) they do NOT have the majority of the net users.
(2) AOL members do NOT make up the majority of my
subscribers. They make up about 17%. Again, while that
may be the largest single ISP represented, 83% of the
subscribers do NOT have an AOL account.
(3) I just got done writing two other moderators about our
percentages of subscribers to the "big email houses" -- AOL,
Yahoo, Hotmail, etc. We almost all had the same percentages.
Makes sense.
(4) NO Internet professional I deal with (and I talk to
hundreds of them) uses AOL.COM as their email address. Why?
Because of the negative reaction EVERYONE (except AOL
people themselves) has towards AOL.
(5) While AOL is a minority representation on my subscriber
list AND web visits, they make up a MAJORITY of the stupid
letters I get. Think about it this way, since you're claiming to
have some "common sense": If AOL makes up 17% of my
users, then out of every 100 stupid letters I get, 17 of them
ought to be from an AOL member. But it doesn't work out that
way. By my OWN analysis, *85* out of 100 stupid letters come
from AOL people. By a clever twist of numbers, that means that
the average AOL member is 5 times as stupid as a non-AOL
member.
All of this has been driven home time after time in the letters
page. When I directed you to go read them, I was hopeful that
you'd pick up on the theme. I should have known better.
Any other questions?
Excuse me Mr.God! I am sorry I do not know how many people have AOL... and if
because my fucking @aol.com at the end of my email address makes me look
unintelligent I am sorry.. by the way dick, my IQ is 156.
Oh, this just gets better and better . . .
** It's not "Mr" God, it's, "Lord And Supreme" God.
** You're the one who said the "majority of net users are
on AOL". But now you're saying you don't know how many
people on are AOL. Which one is it? Were you lying then or
are you lying now?
** Trust me when I say that you don't need AOL.COM
on the end of your email address to look unintelligent. You're
doing a *fantastic* job all by yourself.
** Why are you talking to my dick? It's a majestic beast,
heaven knows, but it really doesn't want anything to do with
you.
** Your email address is "Pookie". I once had a dog
named Pookie. This explains your IQ -- it's obviously in dog
years. Convert it back to human IQ and it's about 22. Sounds
just about right for you, Pookster.
Your turn. :)
two words "fuck you." I was lying then... and I really dont know how many
people have aol but it seems to me its alot. If my IQ was 22 I would be
retarded and most likely unable to write you this letter right now. My IQ is
156 and I do not give a rats ass what u say or what you think it might be.
Maybe I am not a huge genius computer nerd... but I can guarentee when you
were in high shool you sat at home on the weekends looking at porn on ur
trusty computer... and I, on the hand happen to go out and not have the time
to figure out how many people use AOL. I have a life, I have friends, and by
the way, your picking on a 15 year old... and thats why my email address is
pookie... its after garfields teddy bear if you have to know. bye ASSHOLE!
Hey Pookster:
I'm not sure why you think having a nickname of "Pookie"
or that you're claiming to be 15 is going to make any difference.
On the contrary, were it up to me, I'd be apt to take away your phone line /
modem and ground you for being places on the Internet that
you have no business. Even people WITH an IQ of 22 can
figure out the "If You're Under 18, SCRAM" messages that
are plastered everywhere. The only way you could have a 156
IQ is if your took your TRUE IQ and appended it to your
claimed age.
But I did want to thank you for wishing me a fond "Fuck You."
If you think about it, it's really a very nice thing to wish someone.
"Hey, Ray, I hope you get your rocks off SOON --
you're such a SWELL guy! Have a shag on me and tell 'em
to send me the bill!"
There's some troubling aspects about your good wishes that
I need to clear up, though. I hope you don't think I want to
fuck *you*. While I appreciate the High School Girl Fantasy
(eat your heart out, David Cassidy / Leonardo DeCaprio /
Backstreet Boys / Ben Stein) you're unfortunately NOT on
my "Wanna Do Her Bad" list.
The women are ARE on my "Wanna Do Her Bad" list are
in Heather Locklear's league. I have a feeling the only way
you could be considered a "Babe" is if we're talking about the
pig.
I just looked it up (computers are GREAT for lists) and the
computer tells me that you're not even on my "Wouldn't Do
Her With Amanpreet's Dick" list. That's truly sad.
Anyway, I hope this clears up the confusion and snaps you
back to reality. I know Steve Case is counting on you to
keep that AOL account humming along, so, for his sake, I
hope you'll "go on". (Why do I hear Celine Dion singing
"My Heart Will Go On" in the background . . . ?)
Ray
Joke A Day
