The Top 13 Things on a Homicidal Bartender's To-Do List

Dance on bar like the "Coyote Ugly" girls, then hunt and eat kittens like actual coyotes.

Stop saying "Pick your poison" before somebody catches on.

Treat those jerks at the end of the bar to a round of shots, then dispose of the gun.

Find a way to mask the anti-freeze taste for the perfect Prestone martini.

Dip the ends of those candy-ass girly-man pink paper umbrellas in poison.

Invent new cocktail: pint of vodka + 50 sleeping pills = "Drowsy Russian."

Practice saying "Last call!" in a Freddie Krueger voice.

Desecrate corpse with lipstick-applied moustache. Leave note: "The Captain was here."

Practice saying, "I'm sorry, sir -- was that a Harvey Wallbanger or a Bash My Head Against The Wall Repeatedly?"

Turn TV from ESPN to Lifetime. Stab anyone who complains.

Re-order exploding olives from Martha Stewart's "Bin Laden Collection."

Rig jukebox to play "Y.M.C.A" when "Proud to Be an American" is selected.

Either figure out a better way to dispose of bodies or a way to sell LOTS more Bloody Marys.

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